simply one man. no... simply one boy.

" An underrated, unmotivated girl who feels as if everyone else's world falls down as she walks in the room. She has grown, but most likely in the wrong direction, due to the magnitude of certain situations that happened in her life. This has created an almost unbreakable shell that would counteract any occurrence of this magnitude from happening again, as well as brutal honesty. The main side affect is the virtual incapacity for commitment."


that's the description he-who-must-not-be-named feels is what i am worth.


...


he knows me more than anyone else, is it true?
i wish he didnt matter, im breaking down,
and i dont know what im dong to myself.


i keep finding good distractions, but i want to face this head on. i want to accept it. 
how does one as co dependent as he trained me to be figure life out with out him?
im so broken and every chance hes had to help the trust issues have done nothing to help,
in fact im plummeting 
when am i going to hit rock bottom?
at least from there i know, i know nothing can get worse.


i wish he didnt matter. i wish he hadnt made him my universe and then take it all away, leaving me in a darkness. 
not just dark. but black. like the dark shadows id see in my room when i was a child that must be evil. and im in there, that evil dark shadow, 
living and breathing evil. inhaling the monstrosity that is my life 
the lies ive lived disgust me.


i wish he hadnt made himself my everything, leaving me with a gaping hole in my life. the rock foundation of my life quckly pulled out from under me like it were a carpet.


im breaking down.

10 hours after i arrived in rapid

friday before last...
jesse left me again.
thats it.
im done.
last time we got back together was SO tough for me.
i was tossing and turning trying to figure out what a strong woman would do and what i should do as a strong woman.
it was such a leap of faith for me to decide we were going to try again
there is not a single miracle that can make our relationship ever work out.
and im ok with that.

im moving on.

"airplane mode" written on 29th september 2011

I'm on my way to Dallas right now and decided to prepare a post.
ive never felt so much like a bird than when im looking out the window of this particular flight...normally im very afraid of falling but today im totally at ease which both surprises me and excites me. i feel like the words "it feels like my soul is flying" has never rang more true to me... i can see clouds BELOW me.

and for whatever reason none of this scares me.
im not scared. to fall.

i talked to katy today, my wonderful friend that i truely would be lost without. she is emotionally ready for recovery. she and i both have eating disorders and after the suicide of another of my eating disordered friends last week it shocked me. maybe i need to start thinking about recovery as well. i do rather like my hipbones... but is this worth my life? absolutely not.
doing recovery with katy would bring our eating disorders full circle as when we started losing weight we were there for the exact opposite reason we are now. is this what i need to do?

how does one stop the thoughts like these.. self hatred, calorie counting, this freakish obsession with hipbones and collar bones...bones in general. and this insane sick fear of fat that is imagined onto my body by my warped eyes as if i were wearing glasses made of fun hall mirrors...

and how? how do i not become engrossed in thoughts such as these when just thinking about THINKING about it makes me want to think about it more... and before i know it ive thought about nothing else all day.

my week:
monday: i was doing indoc for my division on my ship. when i came home i watched millionaire matchmaker when i got a notice that i would be moving to a different barracks. my room mate was on duty so i texted her to let her know we apparently had to move out by noon wednesday..
...and THAT is when i got the call about my friend having committed suicide.
i got ahold of my only other friend in portsmouth and promptly began drinking.

2 bottles and 4 hours later we were in his room and i was crying and pouring my heart out to this guy...apperently i told him not only about my friend but about ME in my drunken awesome... oh jeez.
he says not to worry about it but since hes been adamant about me eating more.
...which maybe could might be a good thing... but i know eating more wont make the thoughts go away... my thinking patterns about food have been warped my thoughts about MYSELF have been warped. he doesnt understand all the aspects of an eating disorder... he just cant.

tuesday was pretty uneventful i got to leave work early to pack. which was followed immediately by me laying in bed until 8 pm then pacing for a half hour then doing late night laundry. then pacing until i was too tired to think

wednesday i actually moved my things to my other barracks... i hate the military... no matter how simple an evolution can be its bound to take all day.

today (thursday the 29th) i went to work and worked aobut a half hour until we, as a division, went to buffalo wild wings for someones reenlistment ceremony/celebration.
afterwards my sponsor took me with her to walmart and her home to prepare for her baby's birthday before taking me to the airport.
she is quite fun and we have alot in common. im glad to have met her during my enlistment.

which brings me to my conversation with katy before getting onto this plane to dallas.