The mirror is the reason I don't eat

It's been a few days.
A lot has happened... Friday Jon and I went to sushi at a restaurant we have never tried after purchasing a mattress and box spring set for $1000.00. It was nice. they have a few tofu rolls i am interested in.

This last weekend Mickie graduated from Marine Corp boot camp, we met up with him and his parents at the National museum of the Marine Corp, it was mildly interesting but I could tell Jon was extremely happy to see his friend. after we walked through their exhibits all of us drove up to DC, where we walked around to see a few of the monuments.

Now, keep in mind that Mickie and his rack mate who joined us on our outing were both wearing their dress blues-in DC. Never ever will I ever (like EVER) wear my uniform in DC. it was like the 6 of us were superstars... everyone wanted a picture with them...

We saw the Lincoln memorial, the WW2 memorial, the Korean war memorial, the Washington monument, and part of the Smithsonian(granted only a small part). In the Smithsonian Castle Cafe we all sat down to lunch, i got a dry vegetable salad and a yogurt parfait and a bottle of water.
For breakfast i had an oatmeal from McDonald's on our way up to the museum, jon and i shared a small caramel frappe. after our trip back Jon and i grabbed some taco bell. they totally screwed our order. i ended up with a Doritos loco taco and a chalupa and a bag of Doritos.. I was rather hungry from all the walking around and scarfed those down like a little piggy.
Sunday Jon and i went to Panara bread and got a half dozen bagels. for the next week. we ordered a couple coffees which took forever for them to make and mine ended up tasting like dish soap or some cleaning solution... I was not pleased. I ended up eating 2 bagels that morning instead of one waiting for my coffee just because I have no self control and they were sitting there.
I didn't eat for the rest of Sunday.
We fixed the car lights, picked up spare wood to fix the bed frame since it has been broken a few weeks now... we have been taking refuge in the living room on the futon. we also went to Huntington hall and snagged all of the things Snow wanted to get rid of before she moved on the ship. We then went grocery shopping, with health in mind. pretty much everything we got was healthy. By the time we had gotten home though it was super late and I didn't feel like eating right before bed.

Spirit Halloween is open on Mercury. Jon and I decided to check it out... it was fun even though half of the female costumes cover less than my silkies and laciesIi wear to bed.. half of it was lingerie in a weird color or with added wings... stupid that something that is supposed to be scary or fun turns into a sex driven fashion show... :-(
I put in for a leave chit starting the afternoon of the 5th of October to the 15th... so I will be missing ALL of my weekend duty and then will hopefully be checking out shortly after all of that leave...
I weighed myself today and I weigh 123.

I am reassessing my goals as far as weight

Weight Goals:
These goals are weight in 5 pound chunks.
125 (20.96BMI) (56.7kg) Reward: teeth whitening kit
120 (20.12BMI) (54.4kg) Reward: pedicure
115 (19.28BMI) (52.2kg) Reward: hair trim and dye
110 (18.44BMI) (49.9kg) Reward: couples spa (Officially Underweight)
105 (17.61BMI) (47.6kg) Reward: new jeans (officially Anorexic)
100 (16.77BMI) (45.4kg) Reward: New Corset

Jon and i talked and he is totally fine with me not eating breakfast... and prior to that we decided not to eat lunch, so now all i eat is dinner at about 4 pm. i try and keep it small and the portions are getting smaller and smaller. i now weigh 127 instead of 132... i know some of that is water weight but some of it has to be true weight loss... right?

im drinking coffee right now... although sugar has calories i cant help it and put sugar in it.

Jon is on duty and im stuck at home all day. i have a dry chicken salad in the fridge to eat later. im looking at a whole bunch of thinspiration blogs today... it feels good to look at them... my biggest hindrance is that i cant keep up a routine workout going without the help of Jon... and he doesnt seem to have the motivation to work out. I know he likes working out but it is SO hot here he says he doent like leaving the house... which i get. he also says we will start working out when it gets cooler... but i doubt that as our work days are so long... we get home at like 5 pm and in order to get to muster on time we have to be getting up and ready at 5 am... it is extremely frustrating having 12 hour work days...

here is some thinspo and a few fun things

little update

jon is on duty tonight... its really late and i cant sleep.

i have been writing in my journal as often as i can... which mostly makes my blog obsolete. im trying really hard to keep the weight problem out of my mind which i think backfired... i officially weigh 130. i havnt weighed that in more than 4 years... but  i feel confident that i can lose it.
i talked to jon about nutrisystem or weightwatchers microwave meals that really help with portion control.
i have hyroxycut also. with portion control, high water intake, and hydroxycut and a positive outlook... and alittle patience... i think i will be 105 without too much trouble.

i dont have my phone right now, the screen is cracked. all my thinspo was on there... so i think that has helped me calm down my anxieties about weight... but its a double edged sword because i see myself gaining weight and that makes me feel anxious that i need to lose weight and have more weight to lose.

i have been playing alot with my hair and have gotten good at a few styles.

 
 
 

 
 
 
 
and i have been obsessing about clothing alittle...
this is some of the things i think i would like.

and here is some thinspo i really like.

i like this one because it shows a whole journey to self control.

i want to get a scarification tattoo on my wrist for Jonathan, my fiance and the love of my life.

i am excited for the tattoo but my wrists are hypersensitive and it feels uncomfortable just to rub them... 

i want something like that^^^^^

but with something like this design and his initials worked in or the date of our wedding hidden in... maybe not though... the idea going in such a small area means it shouldn't be extremely detailed... maybe ill put words on one wrist and a symbol on the other. idk.. im taking my time to find what i REALLY want.  and what Jon will really think is special.

Confession: I hoard clothing

i am currently getting rid of approximately 1/2 my clothing items... while watching bridezillas. lol
jonathan and i have been living alittle messy and i think its because i have no drawers and TONS of clothing.
i cant help it. i really like clothing. and the issue is my self esteem. i want to look good and i see these clothes and think "that'll motivate me to lose 10 lbs easy..." and so i have quite a few things that i own that are just simply too small. i am healthy weighing in on average at about 120. thats me without trying too hard- that is me without working out too hard and eating regularly(not overeating just eating regularly). so why do i feel i need to lose weight when i feel my stomach and look at myself in the mirror?

...sigh... oh society you SUCK!

May 24th 2012

I am trying to get back into writing more... i use so much energy doing other things but i do love the idea of having my thoughts written down(typed up?).  i am progressively getting more obsessed with my appearance and weight. but i want so badly to be healthy.

i finally told my ex that i would no longer be answering the phone and that i would be changing my number. i couldnt keep holding on to anything to do with him. um... i am going to new york this weekend. it was supposed to be mickies last weekend there before marines bootcamp but something happened... i guess some girl got caught cheating so everyone that had the same test as her had to retake it and when he went to retake it he lost his contract because he didnt score high enough. so instead of celebrating a goodbye- we are partying to party...

jonathan suggested i help mickie write a letter to the congressman about the fact that his decision to make everyone retake that asvab test lost him everything and in order to get his asvab score as high as it was he had to study very hard-its wrong to make others suffer because someone got caught.... she should be the only one to deal with her awful decision.  id love to help him as i am handy when it comes to technical and professional communication and writing.

now... for some food related things that have been on my mind and in my recent schedule... :-)



i am starting to coung calories again.... but in a way thats healthy. i love the idea of being small without starving and low calorie healthy food is the most amazing answer... plus preparing them takes alittle bit more time than a canned soup or frozen chicken.

and WORKING OUT!!! lazyness is terrible. im getting into the habbit of working out regularly if not daily. jonathan is VERY supportive and we recently got ymca memberships... which is lovely considering the local ymca is less than a 5 minute walk from our front door.

anyway um... im VERY proud of how ive been handling things and very proud of myself for getting a post in during my early afternoon freetime. im going to write weekly at the very least... or at least try.

soo... i need to seriously get better at this...

i ABSOLUTELY SUCK at blogging.
yes. i really do.

i dont even totally know where to start.

i guess i will recap.
*cracks fingers in preparation*
Jesse gone. therapy. gain, lose, gain, lose, 30 day fast, deck and tile team, New York, learning spanish, Jonathan Elias Mosquera. Christmas on duty, New Year mom and pipa visit, jesse called, Kiba the husky pup, apartment, nurple broke, nurple fixed, megan gets in carwreck on skyline and totals nurple. jam feigns pregnancy, sunny and lisa move to Olivia's house, I Love Jonathan, I start working out, more gain lose gain lose, ABC Diet - 113.4 lbs, Jesse still calls, mom turned 39 and megan is 16, gain lose gain lose, wisdom teeth removed, liquid soup diet. 116 lbs. umm... thats sortof up to date.

oh my goodness... yeah. i suck.