well, its about 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up at 5 this morning and took a shower and got dressed and got out.
at NMT we had a brief that was meant for a different class that we had already heard.
and then we cleaned.. my job for today was the door knobs throughout the building. freakin easy. yes that was it.
after we cleaned we bullshitted for awhile. my best friends here i think are cemeau, eccles, and cichirillo. all males. and now i guess as of about an hour ago cichirillo doesnt want to be my friend.
says he enjoys time with me too much and that he likes me. but he knows i dont like him and finds that awkward.
i'm a little upset he was really funny.
i bought laxatives yesterday. they sit, behind my combination cover, on the day stow shelf in my closet, un opened.
waiting.
because i know they are there for just in case.
just in case i get upset. upset enough to say fuck my hard work. upset enough to eat. and eat.
and think about all the reasons i'm not worth his time.
all the reasons i never was.
they are a comfort i have to hide.. but those little pink pills just being there is a comfort still.
he got a hold of me again today. my ex i mean. gave me an address i already knew.
asked me to write... so. im not sure what to do. i already sortof made my decision because i wrote him last week.
im so upset from that again.
all over again.
and i read http://jdwyatt.blogspot.com/
thats his blog.
yeah im pretty fucking depressed after reading that. and losing a friend
on the bright side i pt'd today. and it felt fucking amazing.
i want to pt daily.
after pt i went home and took a shower. and after my shower i laid in the bathtub and went to sleep i woke up 45 minutes later feeling like alice from resident evil haha
oh yeah.. and i misplaced my daily vitamins... i was doing so good i need to find them.
ok.. i feel a little better now.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?
maybe its just that i realize the pain ive caused.
but it was bound to happen
my past caught up with me in a whirlwind
and i woke up after, as if i had been nappin
i woke up to the destruction i knew i had caused
but why couldnt i have woken sooner
life will never be the same now,
is that a good thing?
scene: me, in line. with a feeling deep inside. i know if i look around ill see you, i know youre in that room becasue i know that is your division because my petty officers told me not to go crying on them, they hate tears.
im waiting for my tickets to get the hell out of there. im so excited and cant wait to get the hell out of there. and it hasnt come soon enough.. im finally getting the hell out of there.
and im fighting myself. because i know youre in there. on the other side of that glass. fuck.. i lose. i turn my head... youre already looking at me. your face is etched in my memory. the surprise in your eyes haunts me as i sleep. the way your jaw dropped a fraction is a detail i can still see. your hair is shaved off and youre in your smurfs.. 4th chair back against the wall.
i KNEW i would see you if i looked. i knew the moment i walked into the pearl harbor that day that if i looked around at all id find you. ive always been able to find you. i dont want to be able to find you. i dont want you to have that power to make me stand still anymore.. the line is moving and im standing still..
my shipmates push me forward alittle after what seemed like 10 minutes of staring at your face. your face ill never forget. and i turn away. i start tearing up and cant fucking breathe. i cant fucking think. i cant fucking talk. at least you didnt see me cry. i dont want you to have that satisfaction. to know i cried for you again. to know i cried for you for most of boot camp.. to know i tried killing myself in boot camp and sought out help from a chaplain because of it. to know i dreamt you still loved me. and dreamt you were holding me in my sleep. to know i actually woke up at night thinking someone was there cuddling with me like we used to.
i bite my finger, hard and inhale as much as i can. my shipmates already know. nothing else bothers me like you do. they look at me apologetically. "ill never hear the end of it" i think.. petty officer mccarver sees me. "aww shit... TAYLOR" he says
"yes petty officer" i try to get out (unsuccessfully, with a hack in there and crocodile tears streaming down my face)
"taylor, are you doing ok?"
"yes, petty officer"
"and why, taylor?"
i pause... i know the answer. ive had this conversation countless times. i choke it out between tears and try to smile"because he is a dick, petty officer"
"you better fucking believe it, ya asshole."
still throughout the entire travelling brief all i can think about is that dick sitting in the 4th seat next to the wall, not 30 ft from me.. i down my canteen in less than 12 minutes.. drinking it like its vodka.. i go to fill it up just to catch a glimpse of him doing his indoc papers. i dont want to, i know its unhealthy and its going to set me back.. how do you get over someone you do stupid shit to be able to see? i want to be over him so bad im hurting so much inside.
when the brief is finally over i try my damned hardest not to look at him as my division walks out to line up to leave. i lose.. again. i look over and he is staring at the speaker with so much forced attention, i feel terrible all over again. i want to crawl back into my rack. go to sleep and hopefully wake up in an alternate universe where i have never met him before. i wish we had never met. i wish i were never born. he wishes it to i remember that night. that night when he was drunk. and walking in the snow. and came to my house.
i also remember the night i got that letter.
all the hurt id been stifling while in boot camp is all flooding at me at once.. the march back home was brutal.
bruns says not a word and she takes me to the laundry room... i run into her arms crying and stomping my feet to let out the frustration... she knows i hurt. she knows i hide it. she knows me so well after only 8 weeks. i cry for a good 10 minutes shifting my weight and stomping my feet and letting it all out.
i dont feel any better.
i let myself wake up to this. what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?
but it was bound to happen
my past caught up with me in a whirlwind
and i woke up after, as if i had been nappin
i woke up to the destruction i knew i had caused
but why couldnt i have woken sooner
life will never be the same now,
is that a good thing?
scene: me, in line. with a feeling deep inside. i know if i look around ill see you, i know youre in that room becasue i know that is your division because my petty officers told me not to go crying on them, they hate tears.
im waiting for my tickets to get the hell out of there. im so excited and cant wait to get the hell out of there. and it hasnt come soon enough.. im finally getting the hell out of there.
and im fighting myself. because i know youre in there. on the other side of that glass. fuck.. i lose. i turn my head... youre already looking at me. your face is etched in my memory. the surprise in your eyes haunts me as i sleep. the way your jaw dropped a fraction is a detail i can still see. your hair is shaved off and youre in your smurfs.. 4th chair back against the wall.
i KNEW i would see you if i looked. i knew the moment i walked into the pearl harbor that day that if i looked around at all id find you. ive always been able to find you. i dont want to be able to find you. i dont want you to have that power to make me stand still anymore.. the line is moving and im standing still..
my shipmates push me forward alittle after what seemed like 10 minutes of staring at your face. your face ill never forget. and i turn away. i start tearing up and cant fucking breathe. i cant fucking think. i cant fucking talk. at least you didnt see me cry. i dont want you to have that satisfaction. to know i cried for you again. to know i cried for you for most of boot camp.. to know i tried killing myself in boot camp and sought out help from a chaplain because of it. to know i dreamt you still loved me. and dreamt you were holding me in my sleep. to know i actually woke up at night thinking someone was there cuddling with me like we used to.
i bite my finger, hard and inhale as much as i can. my shipmates already know. nothing else bothers me like you do. they look at me apologetically. "ill never hear the end of it" i think.. petty officer mccarver sees me. "aww shit... TAYLOR" he says
"yes petty officer" i try to get out (unsuccessfully, with a hack in there and crocodile tears streaming down my face)
"taylor, are you doing ok?"
"yes, petty officer"
"and why, taylor?"
i pause... i know the answer. ive had this conversation countless times. i choke it out between tears and try to smile"because he is a dick, petty officer"
"you better fucking believe it, ya asshole."
still throughout the entire travelling brief all i can think about is that dick sitting in the 4th seat next to the wall, not 30 ft from me.. i down my canteen in less than 12 minutes.. drinking it like its vodka.. i go to fill it up just to catch a glimpse of him doing his indoc papers. i dont want to, i know its unhealthy and its going to set me back.. how do you get over someone you do stupid shit to be able to see? i want to be over him so bad im hurting so much inside.
when the brief is finally over i try my damned hardest not to look at him as my division walks out to line up to leave. i lose.. again. i look over and he is staring at the speaker with so much forced attention, i feel terrible all over again. i want to crawl back into my rack. go to sleep and hopefully wake up in an alternate universe where i have never met him before. i wish we had never met. i wish i were never born. he wishes it to i remember that night. that night when he was drunk. and walking in the snow. and came to my house.
i also remember the night i got that letter.
all the hurt id been stifling while in boot camp is all flooding at me at once.. the march back home was brutal.
bruns says not a word and she takes me to the laundry room... i run into her arms crying and stomping my feet to let out the frustration... she knows i hurt. she knows i hide it. she knows me so well after only 8 weeks. i cry for a good 10 minutes shifting my weight and stomping my feet and letting it all out.
i dont feel any better.
i let myself wake up to this. what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?
problem # 2
my eating disorder... yes i have one.
im fighting. daily. i dont want to feel guilty from having 700 calories.
i did ballet you see... and when there are girls so much smaller than you that can be lifted up and are beautiful and get the part of cinderella... well it gets competetive.. i have been 73 lbs at this height. ive also been 140 at this height..
but, im in the navy now. and hopefully ill have to fight myself alot less often. IM going to get over this and be happy with my weight. and eat regularly. and not take those fucking laxatives anymore.
yesterday i almost broke. i wanted laxatives so freakin much...
anyways. about my last few days... i finally got my phone and stuff in the mail from my mom^_^ and i sent my ex a letter he got ahold of me during his final changes to his security clearance saying he wanted to be friends and i know what its like to be in bootcamp.. so i know he needs letters right now. maybe im too weak? maybe im stronger than you think? and maybe im dumber than i want to admit. but i wrote him. i made it clear we wont be getting back together becasue neither of us would be happy for long, we cant trust eachother.. and without the trust we used to have there is no real love.. just a hope to occasionally feel the way we used to. but we are close. and i dont want him to go through boot camp alone. so i wrote some motivating stuff.
idk.. thats all for now.
maybe ill write more later
im fighting. daily. i dont want to feel guilty from having 700 calories.
i did ballet you see... and when there are girls so much smaller than you that can be lifted up and are beautiful and get the part of cinderella... well it gets competetive.. i have been 73 lbs at this height. ive also been 140 at this height..
but, im in the navy now. and hopefully ill have to fight myself alot less often. IM going to get over this and be happy with my weight. and eat regularly. and not take those fucking laxatives anymore.
yesterday i almost broke. i wanted laxatives so freakin much...
anyways. about my last few days... i finally got my phone and stuff in the mail from my mom^_^ and i sent my ex a letter he got ahold of me during his final changes to his security clearance saying he wanted to be friends and i know what its like to be in bootcamp.. so i know he needs letters right now. maybe im too weak? maybe im stronger than you think? and maybe im dumber than i want to admit. but i wrote him. i made it clear we wont be getting back together becasue neither of us would be happy for long, we cant trust eachother.. and without the trust we used to have there is no real love.. just a hope to occasionally feel the way we used to. but we are close. and i dont want him to go through boot camp alone. so i wrote some motivating stuff.
idk.. thats all for now.
maybe ill write more later
Sunday, February 20, 2011
staring over.
ok so.. im 18. im in the navy. im now single. and i have a new haircut to boot.
everything is ok right?
yes of course. because he is a dick that fucked up this time. not me.
and guys are giving me attention left and right. so i should be ok.
mhmm.
ill keep telling myself that.
hello. my name is ashley, but you can call me SR Taylor.
im a new recruit in flordia and i just graduated boot camp. i see a bright future ahead in which i will see the world and make many friends and experience so many things. and get paid for it. honestly i AM excited. i want to see where this road will take me in the next few years.
now, my blog says i have my old problems.. "care to elaborate?" you might be thinking.. gladly.
i have an eating disorder i am trying to gain control of. no ive never been to the doctors for it.. but its there none the less.
and my ex... is in boot camp now. and will be coming to this base in 2 short months.
this ex beat me, abused me, forced himself on me, broke my things, and worte me a dear john letter during my second week of basic training.
we were together 4 years. and in 2 LOUSY WEEKS!!! he tosses me aside and starts dating my friend..
"but why did he start doing these things?" you might ask
well.. i started doing stupid things alittle over a year ago. and im embarrassed to admit that i slept with a few other guys. and honestly i deserved to have him leave me. yes. i cheated. and no. it will not happen again.
ive more than learned my lesson. just saying people can change. i bear testimony to that statement. i dont know how i was that person. how i hurt a man i truely loved so very much, so many times. and yet.. that WAS me. i can see it in my head. me feeling my phne ring.. and me turning it off and having sex with someone other than the man i wanted to spend my life with.
it is shameful.
i hate myself daily for it
however- i was not the only person to mess up. and he shares blame.
idk.
so.. thats my introduction for now.
hello.
everything is ok right?
yes of course. because he is a dick that fucked up this time. not me.
and guys are giving me attention left and right. so i should be ok.
mhmm.
ill keep telling myself that.
hello. my name is ashley, but you can call me SR Taylor.
im a new recruit in flordia and i just graduated boot camp. i see a bright future ahead in which i will see the world and make many friends and experience so many things. and get paid for it. honestly i AM excited. i want to see where this road will take me in the next few years.
now, my blog says i have my old problems.. "care to elaborate?" you might be thinking.. gladly.
i have an eating disorder i am trying to gain control of. no ive never been to the doctors for it.. but its there none the less.
and my ex... is in boot camp now. and will be coming to this base in 2 short months.
this ex beat me, abused me, forced himself on me, broke my things, and worte me a dear john letter during my second week of basic training.
we were together 4 years. and in 2 LOUSY WEEKS!!! he tosses me aside and starts dating my friend..
"but why did he start doing these things?" you might ask
well.. i started doing stupid things alittle over a year ago. and im embarrassed to admit that i slept with a few other guys. and honestly i deserved to have him leave me. yes. i cheated. and no. it will not happen again.
ive more than learned my lesson. just saying people can change. i bear testimony to that statement. i dont know how i was that person. how i hurt a man i truely loved so very much, so many times. and yet.. that WAS me. i can see it in my head. me feeling my phne ring.. and me turning it off and having sex with someone other than the man i wanted to spend my life with.
it is shameful.
i hate myself daily for it
however- i was not the only person to mess up. and he shares blame.
idk.
so.. thats my introduction for now.
hello.
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