what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?

maybe its just that i realize the pain ive caused.
but it was bound to happen
my past caught up with me in a whirlwind
and i woke up after, as if i had been nappin

i woke up to the destruction i knew i had caused
but why couldnt i have woken sooner
life will never be the same now,
is that a good thing?

scene: me, in line. with a feeling deep inside. i know if i look around ill see you, i know youre in that room becasue i know that is your division because my petty officers told me not to go crying on them, they hate tears.
im waiting for my tickets to get the hell out of there. im so excited and cant wait to get the hell out of there. and it hasnt come soon enough.. im finally getting the hell out of there.

and im fighting myself. because i know youre in there. on the other side of that glass. fuck.. i lose. i turn my head... youre already looking at me. your face is etched in my memory. the surprise in your eyes haunts me as i sleep. the way your jaw dropped a fraction is a detail i can still see. your hair is shaved off and youre in your smurfs.. 4th chair back against the wall.

i KNEW i would see you if i looked. i knew the moment i walked into the pearl harbor that day that if i looked around at all id find you. ive always been able to find you. i dont want to be able to find you. i dont want you to have that power to make me stand still anymore.. the line is moving and im standing still..
my shipmates push me forward alittle after what seemed like 10 minutes of staring at your face. your face ill never forget. and i turn away. i start tearing up and cant fucking breathe. i cant fucking think. i cant fucking talk. at least you didnt see me cry. i dont want you to have that satisfaction. to know i cried for you again. to know i cried for you for most of boot camp.. to know i tried killing myself in boot camp and sought out help from a chaplain because of it. to know i dreamt you still loved me. and dreamt you were holding me in my sleep. to know i actually woke up at night thinking someone was there cuddling with me like we used to.
i bite my finger, hard and inhale as much as i can. my shipmates already know. nothing else bothers me like you do. they look at me apologetically. "ill never hear the end of it" i think.. petty officer mccarver sees me. "aww shit... TAYLOR" he says
"yes petty officer" i try to get out (unsuccessfully, with a hack in there and crocodile tears streaming down my face)
"taylor, are you doing ok?"
"yes, petty officer"
"and why, taylor?"
i pause... i know the answer. ive had this conversation countless times. i choke it out between tears and try to smile"because he is a dick, petty officer"
"you better fucking believe it, ya asshole."

still throughout the entire travelling brief all i can think about is that dick sitting in the 4th seat next to the wall, not 30 ft from me.. i down my canteen in less than 12 minutes.. drinking it like its vodka.. i go to fill it up just to catch a glimpse of him doing his indoc papers. i dont want to, i know its unhealthy and its going to set me back.. how do you get over someone you do stupid shit to be able to see? i want to be over him so bad im hurting so much inside.

when the brief is finally over i try my damned hardest not to look at him as my division walks out to line up to leave. i lose.. again. i look over and he is staring at the speaker with so much forced attention, i feel terrible all over again. i want to crawl back into my rack. go to sleep and hopefully wake up in an alternate universe where i have never met him before. i wish we had never met. i wish i were never born. he wishes it to i remember that night. that night when he was drunk. and walking in the snow. and came to my house.

i also remember the night i got that letter.
all the hurt id been stifling while in boot camp is all flooding at me at once.. the march back home was brutal.

bruns says not a word and she takes me to the laundry room... i run into her arms crying and stomping my feet to let out the frustration... she knows i hurt. she knows i hide it. she knows me so well after only 8 weeks. i cry for a good 10 minutes shifting my weight and stomping my feet and letting it all out.

i dont feel any better.

i let myself wake up to this. what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?