28FEB11

well, its about 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up at 5 this morning and took a shower and got dressed and got out.
at NMT we had a brief that was meant for a different class that we had already heard.
and then we cleaned.. my job for today was the door knobs throughout the building. freakin easy. yes that was it.
after we cleaned we bullshitted for awhile. my best friends here i think are cemeau, eccles, and cichirillo. all males. and now i guess as of about an hour ago cichirillo doesnt want to be my friend.
says he enjoys time with me too much and that he likes me. but he knows i dont like him and finds that awkward.
i'm a little upset he was really funny.

i bought laxatives yesterday. they sit, behind my combination cover, on the day stow shelf in my closet, un opened.
waiting.
because i know they are there for just in case.
just in case i get upset. upset enough to say fuck my hard work. upset enough to eat. and eat.
and think about all the reasons i'm not worth his time.
all the reasons i never was.
they are a comfort i have to hide.. but those little pink pills just being there is a comfort still.

he got a hold of me again today. my ex i mean. gave me an address i already knew.
asked me to write... so. im not sure what to do. i already sortof made my decision because i wrote him last week.
im so upset from that again.
all over again.
and i read http://jdwyatt.blogspot.com/
thats his blog.
yeah im pretty fucking depressed after reading that. and losing a friend

on the bright side i pt'd today. and it felt fucking amazing.
i want to pt daily.
after pt i went home and took a shower. and after my shower i laid in the bathtub and went to sleep i woke up 45 minutes later feeling like alice from resident evil haha

oh yeah.. and i misplaced my daily vitamins... i was doing so good i need to find them.
ok.. i feel a little better now.