I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day.

I've got a red hot chili peppers addiction right now.

so, Friday night i went out and got drunk. i had a half bottle of jack daniels.
kolton and i got a room together and had a great time.
i feel like i shouldnt have. but it happened and i dont regret it.
i remember it being good.

laughlin and i finally took apart that computer her father gave us to look at and help us learn... it was really fun realizing how much of this stuff we do know.
we also looked up "professor messer" who we heard was really helpful. and his videos are honestly VERY helpful when studying for the compTIA A+ cert stuff..

today laughlin had sushi for the first time. i was so happy i could convince her to. she didnt like the eel but she liked the shrimp and the california rolls.

hana is laughlin's room mate, and i love being able to get to know her she is very nice and a good friend now. she is about a month ahead of us in A school and its nice that she gets this stuff... she says she didnt know as much as laughlin and i know when she was in our shoes and she passed so heres hoping...

i have been trying to get ahold of my father. hes never really been a huge part of my life but for a month now ive srsly been trying... leaving him messages, calling around trying to find a number i can get ahold of him with.. and he has definitely ignored me. it upsets me.

i cant imagine not wanting to be a part of my child's life... why does he not want me? i dont want anything, i dont want money, i dont want anything more than to know the man. and he is doing all he can to never see me again.

last night he answered, realized it was me, and hung up. yup...
i love him. i wish he'd love me.
upset at this i texted kolton, he brought his laptop over and let me listen to it while i fell asleep. he has a really good playlist on there that i might have to put on my empty iPod. as soon as i have a chord...
that might be why i have this RHCP addiction.

all in all i had a descent weekend.

oh, and i dont think im ever going to talk to cicchirillo again. last night he randomly started up this conversation:
him: well...im done...peace
me:oh, ok then..
him: oh and to clear up any confusion if it sounds rude it probably is... in this case most def

me:whats wrong? you doing ok?

him:other than the bullshit that spews from your lips most of the time we talk... nothing im fine

me:what are you talking about? i honestly dont know where this is coming from

him:haha ok well...think about it maybe at some point you might figure it out who knows... 

me: im so completely confused. what did i do wrong

him:i hate texting... peace i guess.

me: is this because im not going to date you? i mean wtf?? we were having a completely fine and normal conversation what happened?

him:no, its not cause of that... and again... i hate texting. so bye

me:no, you flipped shit on me you need to tell me whats going on

him:if you want to talk come find me

me:where are you?

him:walking

me:where?srsly. im concerned.

him:fuck off

me:ok, im not going to come find you if youre going to tell me to fuck off. especially if you wont tell me what makes you think im a bullshitter. i havnt lied to you. so im really upset you are telling me bullshit is coming from my lips. i want to talk but im not going to go looking for you if im going to be attacked like this i dont need it.

him: perfect... now thats what i should have done the first time...best way for me to...well..be myself again. i feel great now. oh, sorry if i hurt your feelings... made you mad...whatever...no wonder why people dont like me...now you know how twisted i am cause this made me... well... happy again

me: wtf?

him:sorry, now you know why people dont hang out with me. this is how i have fun.

me: im so confused...what is going on? i feel like i was just blindfolded, drugged, and dumped in mexico

him:let me put it to you this way...right now i feel the best i have in awhile...like amazing...how did i do it? by bringing people around me down to my level . pissed, confused, angry ...sad... i know. its very sadistic but it makes me feel so good... sorry i know how you feel. it sucks so you can ignore me now.

me: no, im worried about you. something had to have happened.

him:no this is how ive always been im just messed up. this is the first time ive been like this to YOU. the world is cruel. i just like to let people understand how cruel and fucked up it can be...only verbally so dont think im going to fucking kill someone-ive learned the worst pain is emotional. 

he insisted it wasnt brought up by something.. but i just dont get it.

and i know im a bit of a chronic liar... but i honestly have told any lies at all recently. 

i am trying hard not to be who i was. 

and when he called me a liar it made me more upset than i think he realizes.

looking forward to the weekend.

its thursday and its been a really long week.
i took and failed my midterm, retook it and got a 90 that only counts as a 70 because of the failed first attempt.
that really bummed me out.
and i am so homesick. i am getting really tired of this place. real fast.

i found quebec street on google earth. i want to go back to when he and i were making that street our bitch. we had fun.
im hurting because i know ill be seeing him soon. im hurting because i know this school that im struggling with will be a cake walk for him. i am hurting because i wanted us to be happy so much i tried so hard right at the end. and he convinced me if i tried it would happen. to not be let down by the things going on and to keep trying for us.
he lied to me. and he left me. and i am still hurting.
sometimes it is so easy to accept. we arent going to be together, so what? i can totally move on with my life, learn some things about myself, and experience life without someone to answer to.

im not codependent. i am a very resilient and independent person.. but i would be lying if i said i wasnt hurting or that i didnt miss him.

hmm. i had a talk with ciccirillo last night.
i learned alot about why he is the way he is.. hes a bit of an asshole, guard up usually and not really the nicest... but he is funny. and he is a good person.
he has gone trough some shit. the poor guy. we talked until like 3 this morning. he just sortof vented about how his dad has never been proud and how his girlfriend left him and hooked up with his brother, and about alot of things.

i hope his personality traits created from this stuff start to change alittle now that hes let out so much hes kept built up.

it makes me wonder how we both have that communication problem... im a bit unwilling to talk with people about problems involving them. i guess to me its like being confrontational. and i hate that. i need to be able to assert myself.... but how do i have this communication problem is it my past? is it something that would have happened regardless of the life ive had? is it a biological thing or a mental thing? or both? is it run by my emotions or is it something i never had a chance at fighting?

*sigh* at least this blog is helping me identify my problems and perhaps figure out what to do differently.

unlovable?

theres this book i used to read as a kid.
alfred was a pug. an ugly roly poly fat pug.
and he felt unlovable.
all the other animals made fun of his "fat mug" and all his wrinkles.


i feel like alfred.

why? i am not totally sure. but i know i dont like this. nope. i dont like this at all.

my corset hasnt come in yet im itching to wear it.
i can feel myself growing. these NWUs are roomy. and i can feel myself growing into them more and more daily. i hate it. i want to have something on that keeps me the same size so i dont keep expanding and growing like some sort of a germ...

i wrote jesse again.
i told him i wasnt sure we could be friends.
im conflicted... what would a strong person do?
at first i thought being able to have civilized conversation with him made me strong.
and then i thought not talking to him made me strong by me sticking up for myself and not bowing to his will.
which side of this shows cowardice? which side of this is true strength??

im at such a loss.

im trudging along in school. its difficult. its not a joke. this is tough shit for me. but once i get through this school ill have certifications that people pay bokoo money for. and civilians with these certifications make 6 figures without trying too hard. that sounds nice.
i just gotta stick to it and get these certs.

you know its fucked up when she wouldnt do it. wow.

hm. well after i wrote my last blog a letter from jesse came in. he seems to be doing ok.

i dont think im as strong as i want to believe. i dont think i can write him again. reading what he had to say was much more painful than id counted on. kolton says to send him a punch in the face.

speaking of kolton-i get this feeling that im just a girl he plans on fucking for a few weeks and then leaving. so um... i think im going to back off a bit. its sortof a red flag when the only time he will get ahold of me to hang out with him in his room in the middle of the night once a week. yeah.. its too bad too i sortof liked him.

ive successfully completed my first week of IT "A" school. it was difficult.

im sorry. i dont have much to write.

so i wrote this planning to post it on sunday.. and here it is thursday haha

so, i made it to muster. IDK how. but i did...

i went back to kolton's last night we watched se7en for the first time, it was really fun. he returned my back massage. I LOVE physical touch. SO MUCH! that massage was nice. after the movie i fell asleep in his arms. also very nice feeling. he played with my hair. i havnt felt such sincere gentle touch in so long; jesse and i have been a fucked up relationship for so long i forgot what it was like to be liked by someone you havnt hurt.

idk if i want this. a relationship i mean. i think he and i should talk about it alittle. we like eachother its obvious. but do we want to deal with the promise of such a difficult relationship, with both of us in the navy for 4 years.
and possibly longer im still not sure what i want career wise...
would it be better if we agreed to be friends with benefits?probably. is there real caring in that or is it just sex at that point? idk. do i even want a fuck buddy with the jesse complication thrown in... probably not. is it far too soon to be thinking about fucking this guy? absolutely.

i guess we will talk


on another note, no letters from jesse yet. and school has started. i probably cant go into serious detail with that cause of security stuff... but its very difficult. we have already completed 3 chapters. its very fast paced and intense. and the funny thing is-this is exactly what jesse used to do for fun.. he should have taught me this stuff back when we used to hang out... oh well. that though crosses my mind all the time.

bruns finally got ahold of me, she was my rack mate in boot camp. we are probably going to hang out this weekend... i REALLY want to see her...
also, next weekend is the first weekend i have phase 2 liberty!!! woot woot off base!

first good afternoon in a long time

im usually just smiling. smiling as a shell. what they say is funny, but im not happy and luckily they cant tell.
i dont want to talk about it. not in great detail. not until i have to. no, i never will
but today im genuinely happy. im smiling and its true. im not lying on the outside, not protecting any feelings deep down
it feels fucking great. to have a good day, i cant wait to have more. and you arent a part of today. i didnt think about you almost at all. not this afternoon. not until just now. its fucking amazing how good a time i can have without you clouding my mind.

i went and sucked royally at pool with gordon. it was really fun though we laughed at how sucky we were. i think we played 4 or 5 games. i dont remember who won. i know i won at least twice.. but that was becasue he accidentally shot the 8 ball in.
after a few games he wanted to watch basketball so he said douces and i hung out with kolton. kolton is really nice, and very cute. we are attracted to eachother its true. im not sure what will become of this. but i like hanging out with him. we even held hands alittle today. it was nice to feel someone else there. touching me. not sexually. no i dont plan on having sex anytime soon, but just physically touching me. i felt like i was whithering away during boot camp without that. im used to like.. 30 hugs a day. haha... maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but still... quite a bit more than ive been getting.

we ate some fries(i havnt taken a laxative yet) and he had a burger, i had some iced tea. we watched due date, went out for a smoke(he smokes i dont, but the smell makes me think of my grandma. i miss her), talked for awhile, watched harry potter and the deathly hollows(thats when we started holding hands, it felt amazing), went out for a smoke(he smokes alot, i dont mind smoke... but thats alot), talked a bit, went back in to watch ace ventura: when nature calls(the light burnt out about 20 minutes into the movie we had to leave), went outside and walked for awhile, ordered some pizza and talked a bunch, went to his room and i snuck in, we sat on the floor with pizza and watched super troopers which was hilarious. i gave him a back massage which he absolutely loved apparently. and we had to go to muster... but he wantes to hang out. again. tonight. so im heading over there in a bit.

i havnt fallen for him. but its nice that someone likes me.

and did i mention its been sprinkling all day. i love the rain.
today was a good day. movies and talking. and more of both. i liked it.
excuse me while i go take a laxative im getting nervous ill gain weight.

last few days

so apparently before comeau left for basic he cheated on his wife. he told me this with a tone saying he was worried id judge and was met with a sympathetic "i know how that goes" from me. we talked. i added his wife to my facebook to ease her worries about me being his friend. i hope they work that out. i hope they do what i couldnt. because comeau needs that woman. i can see it when he talks about her. he needs her there and is head over heels in love with her.

cicchirillo is... immature. like.. bad. he likes the same things as me but i feel like he isnt on board for being an adult and his sense of humor is.. well he is a dick. haha. idk he is my friend but i wish he would grow up a bit its starting to really bother me

yesterday i played pool with comeau, eccles and uresta. it was great. they make me smile. i had a yoohoo and it was delicious.

i started taking my laxatives. i guess buying them set me up for failure. they taste just as bad as i remember. ive only take 1 though... which is much less than i remember taking.. *sigh* im a fuck up.

im listening to all this music i havnt heard in so long... its so crazy. and ive been loving techno alot... eccles says when we leave base during phase 2 we are going to have a rave. im very excited.

i havnt been working very hard, only a few hours a day. i got my messenger of the watch quals started and need to do my second signature of that and both signatures of roving and duty driver. im kindof slacking. but i can do those on a day im already wearing NSU's .

ill write more later today probably about my last few days... im going to go play pool with gordon now. yup!

justification and other terrible poems releasing my frustration in the early afternoon

i need some sort of justification

in order to give into this sweet temptation

laid before me like a budding carnation

again presenting itself as a false salvation

there is nothing left in this situation 

that makes it worth my adaptation

so i say again farewell, goodbye

im doing my best to leave with no hesitation.

F)rom me to you i relay this message

U)nless its not clear by the time im done

C)ount on me, and youll be sorry

K)aleidoscopical messages are no longer fun.

O)ur lives are no longer intertwined

F)rom top to bottom, left side down

F)inal messages ring finally true.

i was living in a dream that quickly turned sour.

i should have killed myself within the hour

when i knew youd be leaving me for her again

every night you left me for her, again

and i stupidly forgave you

you, handing me roses and kisses

and cooing me into forgetting i was mad

i should have forgotten your name in the bottle

i should have drank away all thoughts of you

and had fun like you were

you were having fun and i was home alone 

mourning the loss of a living love.

i should have made you come home 

to a pool of my fresh blood.

dont look at me like that! im just as disappointed in myself as you are...

its not healthy. im not happy
not with him crowding my mind.
im going backwards. i was well on my way out of this cluster fuck he created in my head.. he pulled me back. again.
like a plague on my life he has a hold of me.
i wish we could be happy together. like we were.
its not going to happen now.
im just going to hurt until i break this tie.
like that umbilical chord snapped when our baby died.
the manifestation of our love didnt survive.. and that wasnt a clue?

get the hell out of my head!

anyways... i badge up today. woot woot.

ill see if anything fun happens later that i can write about so it feels like i have a life.