first good afternoon in a long time

im usually just smiling. smiling as a shell. what they say is funny, but im not happy and luckily they cant tell.
i dont want to talk about it. not in great detail. not until i have to. no, i never will
but today im genuinely happy. im smiling and its true. im not lying on the outside, not protecting any feelings deep down
it feels fucking great. to have a good day, i cant wait to have more. and you arent a part of today. i didnt think about you almost at all. not this afternoon. not until just now. its fucking amazing how good a time i can have without you clouding my mind.

i went and sucked royally at pool with gordon. it was really fun though we laughed at how sucky we were. i think we played 4 or 5 games. i dont remember who won. i know i won at least twice.. but that was becasue he accidentally shot the 8 ball in.
after a few games he wanted to watch basketball so he said douces and i hung out with kolton. kolton is really nice, and very cute. we are attracted to eachother its true. im not sure what will become of this. but i like hanging out with him. we even held hands alittle today. it was nice to feel someone else there. touching me. not sexually. no i dont plan on having sex anytime soon, but just physically touching me. i felt like i was whithering away during boot camp without that. im used to like.. 30 hugs a day. haha... maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but still... quite a bit more than ive been getting.

we ate some fries(i havnt taken a laxative yet) and he had a burger, i had some iced tea. we watched due date, went out for a smoke(he smokes i dont, but the smell makes me think of my grandma. i miss her), talked for awhile, watched harry potter and the deathly hollows(thats when we started holding hands, it felt amazing), went out for a smoke(he smokes alot, i dont mind smoke... but thats alot), talked a bit, went back in to watch ace ventura: when nature calls(the light burnt out about 20 minutes into the movie we had to leave), went outside and walked for awhile, ordered some pizza and talked a bunch, went to his room and i snuck in, we sat on the floor with pizza and watched super troopers which was hilarious. i gave him a back massage which he absolutely loved apparently. and we had to go to muster... but he wantes to hang out. again. tonight. so im heading over there in a bit.

i havnt fallen for him. but its nice that someone likes me.

and did i mention its been sprinkling all day. i love the rain.
today was a good day. movies and talking. and more of both. i liked it.
excuse me while i go take a laxative im getting nervous ill gain weight.