unlovable?

theres this book i used to read as a kid.
alfred was a pug. an ugly roly poly fat pug.
and he felt unlovable.
all the other animals made fun of his "fat mug" and all his wrinkles.


i feel like alfred.

why? i am not totally sure. but i know i dont like this. nope. i dont like this at all.

my corset hasnt come in yet im itching to wear it.
i can feel myself growing. these NWUs are roomy. and i can feel myself growing into them more and more daily. i hate it. i want to have something on that keeps me the same size so i dont keep expanding and growing like some sort of a germ...

i wrote jesse again.
i told him i wasnt sure we could be friends.
im conflicted... what would a strong person do?
at first i thought being able to have civilized conversation with him made me strong.
and then i thought not talking to him made me strong by me sticking up for myself and not bowing to his will.
which side of this shows cowardice? which side of this is true strength??

im at such a loss.

im trudging along in school. its difficult. its not a joke. this is tough shit for me. but once i get through this school ill have certifications that people pay bokoo money for. and civilians with these certifications make 6 figures without trying too hard. that sounds nice.
i just gotta stick to it and get these certs.