looking forward to the weekend.

its thursday and its been a really long week.
i took and failed my midterm, retook it and got a 90 that only counts as a 70 because of the failed first attempt.
that really bummed me out.
and i am so homesick. i am getting really tired of this place. real fast.

i found quebec street on google earth. i want to go back to when he and i were making that street our bitch. we had fun.
im hurting because i know ill be seeing him soon. im hurting because i know this school that im struggling with will be a cake walk for him. i am hurting because i wanted us to be happy so much i tried so hard right at the end. and he convinced me if i tried it would happen. to not be let down by the things going on and to keep trying for us.
he lied to me. and he left me. and i am still hurting.
sometimes it is so easy to accept. we arent going to be together, so what? i can totally move on with my life, learn some things about myself, and experience life without someone to answer to.

im not codependent. i am a very resilient and independent person.. but i would be lying if i said i wasnt hurting or that i didnt miss him.

hmm. i had a talk with ciccirillo last night.
i learned alot about why he is the way he is.. hes a bit of an asshole, guard up usually and not really the nicest... but he is funny. and he is a good person.
he has gone trough some shit. the poor guy. we talked until like 3 this morning. he just sortof vented about how his dad has never been proud and how his girlfriend left him and hooked up with his brother, and about alot of things.

i hope his personality traits created from this stuff start to change alittle now that hes let out so much hes kept built up.

it makes me wonder how we both have that communication problem... im a bit unwilling to talk with people about problems involving them. i guess to me its like being confrontational. and i hate that. i need to be able to assert myself.... but how do i have this communication problem is it my past? is it something that would have happened regardless of the life ive had? is it a biological thing or a mental thing? or both? is it run by my emotions or is it something i never had a chance at fighting?

*sigh* at least this blog is helping me identify my problems and perhaps figure out what to do differently.