I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day.

I've got a red hot chili peppers addiction right now.

so, Friday night i went out and got drunk. i had a half bottle of jack daniels.
kolton and i got a room together and had a great time.
i feel like i shouldnt have. but it happened and i dont regret it.
i remember it being good.

laughlin and i finally took apart that computer her father gave us to look at and help us learn... it was really fun realizing how much of this stuff we do know.
we also looked up "professor messer" who we heard was really helpful. and his videos are honestly VERY helpful when studying for the compTIA A+ cert stuff..

today laughlin had sushi for the first time. i was so happy i could convince her to. she didnt like the eel but she liked the shrimp and the california rolls.

hana is laughlin's room mate, and i love being able to get to know her she is very nice and a good friend now. she is about a month ahead of us in A school and its nice that she gets this stuff... she says she didnt know as much as laughlin and i know when she was in our shoes and she passed so heres hoping...

i have been trying to get ahold of my father. hes never really been a huge part of my life but for a month now ive srsly been trying... leaving him messages, calling around trying to find a number i can get ahold of him with.. and he has definitely ignored me. it upsets me.

i cant imagine not wanting to be a part of my child's life... why does he not want me? i dont want anything, i dont want money, i dont want anything more than to know the man. and he is doing all he can to never see me again.

last night he answered, realized it was me, and hung up. yup...
i love him. i wish he'd love me.
upset at this i texted kolton, he brought his laptop over and let me listen to it while i fell asleep. he has a really good playlist on there that i might have to put on my empty iPod. as soon as i have a chord...
that might be why i have this RHCP addiction.

all in all i had a descent weekend.

oh, and i dont think im ever going to talk to cicchirillo again. last night he randomly started up this conversation:
him: well...im done...peace
me:oh, ok then..
him: oh and to clear up any confusion if it sounds rude it probably is... in this case most def

me:whats wrong? you doing ok?

him:other than the bullshit that spews from your lips most of the time we talk... nothing im fine

me:what are you talking about? i honestly dont know where this is coming from

him:haha ok well...think about it maybe at some point you might figure it out who knows... 

me: im so completely confused. what did i do wrong

him:i hate texting... peace i guess.

me: is this because im not going to date you? i mean wtf?? we were having a completely fine and normal conversation what happened?

him:no, its not cause of that... and again... i hate texting. so bye

me:no, you flipped shit on me you need to tell me whats going on

him:if you want to talk come find me

me:where are you?

him:walking

me:where?srsly. im concerned.

him:fuck off

me:ok, im not going to come find you if youre going to tell me to fuck off. especially if you wont tell me what makes you think im a bullshitter. i havnt lied to you. so im really upset you are telling me bullshit is coming from my lips. i want to talk but im not going to go looking for you if im going to be attacked like this i dont need it.

him: perfect... now thats what i should have done the first time...best way for me to...well..be myself again. i feel great now. oh, sorry if i hurt your feelings... made you mad...whatever...no wonder why people dont like me...now you know how twisted i am cause this made me... well... happy again

me: wtf?

him:sorry, now you know why people dont hang out with me. this is how i have fun.

me: im so confused...what is going on? i feel like i was just blindfolded, drugged, and dumped in mexico

him:let me put it to you this way...right now i feel the best i have in awhile...like amazing...how did i do it? by bringing people around me down to my level . pissed, confused, angry ...sad... i know. its very sadistic but it makes me feel so good... sorry i know how you feel. it sucks so you can ignore me now.

me: no, im worried about you. something had to have happened.

him:no this is how ive always been im just messed up. this is the first time ive been like this to YOU. the world is cruel. i just like to let people understand how cruel and fucked up it can be...only verbally so dont think im going to fucking kill someone-ive learned the worst pain is emotional. 

he insisted it wasnt brought up by something.. but i just dont get it.

and i know im a bit of a chronic liar... but i honestly have told any lies at all recently. 

i am trying hard not to be who i was. 

and when he called me a liar it made me more upset than i think he realizes.