" An underrated, unmotivated girl who feels as if everyone else's world falls down as she walks in the room. She has grown, but most likely in the wrong direction, due to the magnitude of certain situations that happened in her life. This has created an almost unbreakable shell that would counteract any occurrence of this magnitude from happening again, as well as brutal honesty. The main side affect is the virtual incapacity for commitment."
that's the description he-who-must-not-be-named feels is what i am worth.
...
he knows me more than anyone else, is it true?
i wish he didnt matter, im breaking down,
and i dont know what im dong to myself.
i keep finding good distractions, but i want to face this head on. i want to accept it.
how does one as co dependent as he trained me to be figure life out with out him?
im so broken and every chance hes had to help the trust issues have done nothing to help,
in fact im plummeting
when am i going to hit rock bottom?
at least from there i know, i know nothing can get worse.
i wish he didnt matter. i wish he hadnt made him my universe and then take it all away, leaving me in a darkness.
not just dark. but black. like the dark shadows id see in my room when i was a child that must be evil. and im in there, that evil dark shadow,
living and breathing evil. inhaling the monstrosity that is my life
the lies ive lived disgust me.
i wish he hadnt made himself my everything, leaving me with a gaping hole in my life. the rock foundation of my life quckly pulled out from under me like it were a carpet.
im breaking down.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
10 hours after i arrived in rapid
friday before last...
jesse left me again.
thats it.
im done.
last time we got back together was SO tough for me.
i was tossing and turning trying to figure out what a strong woman would do and what i should do as a strong woman.
it was such a leap of faith for me to decide we were going to try again
there is not a single miracle that can make our relationship ever work out.
and im ok with that.
im moving on.
jesse left me again.
thats it.
im done.
last time we got back together was SO tough for me.
i was tossing and turning trying to figure out what a strong woman would do and what i should do as a strong woman.
it was such a leap of faith for me to decide we were going to try again
there is not a single miracle that can make our relationship ever work out.
and im ok with that.
im moving on.
"airplane mode" written on 29th september 2011
I'm on my way to Dallas right now and decided to prepare a post.
ive never felt so much like a bird than when im looking out the window of this particular flight...normally im very afraid of falling but today im totally at ease which both surprises me and excites me. i feel like the words "it feels like my soul is flying" has never rang more true to me... i can see clouds BELOW me.
and for whatever reason none of this scares me.
im not scared. to fall.
i talked to katy today, my wonderful friend that i truely would be lost without. she is emotionally ready for recovery. she and i both have eating disorders and after the suicide of another of my eating disordered friends last week it shocked me. maybe i need to start thinking about recovery as well. i do rather like my hipbones... but is this worth my life? absolutely not.
doing recovery with katy would bring our eating disorders full circle as when we started losing weight we were there for the exact opposite reason we are now. is this what i need to do?
how does one stop the thoughts like these.. self hatred, calorie counting, this freakish obsession with hipbones and collar bones...bones in general. and this insane sick fear of fat that is imagined onto my body by my warped eyes as if i were wearing glasses made of fun hall mirrors...
and how? how do i not become engrossed in thoughts such as these when just thinking about THINKING about it makes me want to think about it more... and before i know it ive thought about nothing else all day.
my week:
monday: i was doing indoc for my division on my ship. when i came home i watched millionaire matchmaker when i got a notice that i would be moving to a different barracks. my room mate was on duty so i texted her to let her know we apparently had to move out by noon wednesday..
...and THAT is when i got the call about my friend having committed suicide.
i got ahold of my only other friend in portsmouth and promptly began drinking.
2 bottles and 4 hours later we were in his room and i was crying and pouring my heart out to this guy...apperently i told him not only about my friend but about ME in my drunken awesome... oh jeez.
he says not to worry about it but since hes been adamant about me eating more.
...which maybe could might be a good thing... but i know eating more wont make the thoughts go away... my thinking patterns about food have been warped my thoughts about MYSELF have been warped. he doesnt understand all the aspects of an eating disorder... he just cant.
tuesday was pretty uneventful i got to leave work early to pack. which was followed immediately by me laying in bed until 8 pm then pacing for a half hour then doing late night laundry. then pacing until i was too tired to think
wednesday i actually moved my things to my other barracks... i hate the military... no matter how simple an evolution can be its bound to take all day.
today (thursday the 29th) i went to work and worked aobut a half hour until we, as a division, went to buffalo wild wings for someones reenlistment ceremony/celebration.
afterwards my sponsor took me with her to walmart and her home to prepare for her baby's birthday before taking me to the airport.
she is quite fun and we have alot in common. im glad to have met her during my enlistment.
which brings me to my conversation with katy before getting onto this plane to dallas.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
bowling with friends
i went bowling today.
cosmic bowling.
my friends ordered pizza.
i had planned for this.. i knew it was gonna happen; us as americans basically dont go out without eating..
its quite nasty actually...the way we cant socialize without getting nasty pizza.
but i planned.
i decided i would not eat anything substantial for the 2 days prior to this cosmic bowling outing.
and i did it.
i had less than 100 calories in the last 2 days.
i had a small glass of soda and 2 slices of pizza.
everyone else had more than twice that cause there were 4 of us and we ordered 2 pizzas.
after i ate the pizza and it digested alittle the cheese on the pizza started to really bother me.
i started having violent hiccups.
i feel like maybe i should have just had some crust or something. maybe I'm sensitive to dairy because i honestly havnt had a decent amount of any dairy product in so long..
maybe i should continue to stay away from it because honestly i dont crave it... ive lost all cravings for any dairy or meat really. i might occasionally have some fish or a SMALL amount of steak... but rarely. like maybe just special occasions.
anyway i figured id write just alittle for an update.
im working out 3 times a week starting monday for 45 minutes a session. just a run maybe alittle weights and then a cool down speed walk back to my barracks.
and i am not taking the elevator ANYMORE.
EVER.
and next week when i go home on leave i will start using my adapexin-p.
^_^
i hope i can tone up my stomach alittle bit. because im small but it is like.. skinny fat.
and i HATE IT!
cosmic bowling.
my friends ordered pizza.
i had planned for this.. i knew it was gonna happen; us as americans basically dont go out without eating..
its quite nasty actually...the way we cant socialize without getting nasty pizza.
but i planned.
i decided i would not eat anything substantial for the 2 days prior to this cosmic bowling outing.
and i did it.
i had less than 100 calories in the last 2 days.
i had a small glass of soda and 2 slices of pizza.
everyone else had more than twice that cause there were 4 of us and we ordered 2 pizzas.
after i ate the pizza and it digested alittle the cheese on the pizza started to really bother me.
i started having violent hiccups.
i feel like maybe i should have just had some crust or something. maybe I'm sensitive to dairy because i honestly havnt had a decent amount of any dairy product in so long..
maybe i should continue to stay away from it because honestly i dont crave it... ive lost all cravings for any dairy or meat really. i might occasionally have some fish or a SMALL amount of steak... but rarely. like maybe just special occasions.
anyway i figured id write just alittle for an update.
im working out 3 times a week starting monday for 45 minutes a session. just a run maybe alittle weights and then a cool down speed walk back to my barracks.
and i am not taking the elevator ANYMORE.
EVER.
and next week when i go home on leave i will start using my adapexin-p.
^_^
i hope i can tone up my stomach alittle bit. because im small but it is like.. skinny fat.
and i HATE IT!
Friday, September 23, 2011
so, i found a half finished posts that was saved in my drafts...
Meant to have been posted 7/15/2011
post:
"imcheckinout
Monday i will be leaving Corry station.
I'm going to be going to NAS.
my friends chief and miss d at the liberty center say they are going to miss me.
i said good bye to the MA's and am working on the checkout process..
Jesse and i have a big weekend planned.
its his birthday celebration and also our last weekend on the same base for awhile.
harry potter, beach side hotel, beach, Ashton inn, nice birthday dinner, and world cup friend social at BWW.
it'll be fun.
mom is extremely adamant... she wants me home REALLY badly.
i want to come home. believe me i really do.
but something is holding me back from it.
idk what.
i love her and i really want to see everyone.
maybe part of it... is that i don't want to lose a minute with Jesse. i think maybe that is a big thing. because its true.. Jesse and i don't have a whole lot of time together before I'm gone for a very long time...
and i want that time.
with him
oh god help me... i am so scared.
is it possible for us to be happy with eachother?
is it possible for him to be ok with this distance that is sure to happen?
i wish i knew."
so i thought id share what i was supposed to have shared earlier... lol reading over it... its kindof old news now..
anyways...
on to the present
today i went grocery shopping... it was storming out though so the only store we could make it to was "save-a-lot".... not exactly what im looking for in a food store... but i did what i could. my room mate thinks i eat weird.i hope she doesnt report me or anything... since in the navy i have to weigh 102 at my height.
anyways.. i made a goofy comment.. my room mate picked up some pop-tarts and asked if i wanted some... i looked at them and said maybe... then looked at the nutrition facts... and said "they're too expensive.." i then had to come up with the excise that im trying to save money for my leave... which is true... but that's not what i meant at the time...
i bought some tea, danimals 70 calories yougurts, some low cal meal replacement bars and freezey pops.
i think i may have a small problem shatrting to arise again... but im gonna enjoy my emptiness,
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
low calorie shopping list
ughh!
here i go again... counting calories...
maybe ill start working out for real... that wouldn't be so bad... would
take up a good deal of my time but that is at least productive.. especially considering that i have no friends on this base yet.
anyways here are some of my personal favorites AND some fantastic ideas.
Unsweetened Almond Breeze: This stuff is amazing!! It is only 40 calories a cup.
Sometimes I put it in cereal, or smoothies
OHANA'S unique bite size won ton: 6 for 80 calories; That means that 9 of them (a perfect lunch) are 120 calories! wonderful!
Trader Joe's Chocolate Wedges: These one-serving sized chocolate wedges are a gift to those of us who love chocolate, but strive to eat it in moderation. Each wedge is 35 calories.
Fiberful Fruit Bar: 60 calories for this delicious fruit leather type bar. not quite fruit by the foot but still tasty.
Wasabi Peas: 1/3 cup for 80 calories. They are very difficult to overeat because of their extremely strong wasabi flavor. Not only can you only eat one or two at a time, but they are also *not* the kind of snack where you will accidentally eat the whole bag.
Miso Soup: i found some fantastic packets of instant miso soup! and i love miso soup. like.. ALOT! there are 35 calories per package which i ALSO adore.
La Tortilla Factory high fiber tortillas: You can buy them in one of two sizes, either a 50 calorie version or an 80 calorie version. i like to put Hormel Turkey Pepperoni on it with a baybel laughing cow mini cheese (light of course which is 50 calories) all cut up for a low cal mini pizza splurge when i want to treat myself.
Hormel Turkey Pepperoni: 17 slices is 70 calories.. and i actually cant think of a time ill ever eat 17 slices at one time... maybe 4?!! lol anyway, definitely good if you want to make my mentioned before pizza.
Edamame: ohhhh i love me some edamame! If you eat 10 pods, you are eating approximately 29 calories. and quite good. i flavor mine with pepper instead of salting them like one would get at a restaurant.
well... im running out of steam for writing right now.. but!!! ill write more later.
im trying to get over this flu i got..
goofy navy gave me the flu shot and whaddyaknow?? i got the flu.
i feel so ucky and grody and sick.
but i will be healthy again soon and i get to go on leave soon.
while on leave i plan to start taking my appetite suppressants i wrote about earlier.
im going to try to stay motivated to record how they work for me.
sometimes i lose the motivation to write on this blog often... and i wish i were better at it.. and the way i see it the only way to get better is to do it damnit...
oh also... i have a small shopping list of things im going to be getting:
here i go again... counting calories...
maybe ill start working out for real... that wouldn't be so bad... would
take up a good deal of my time but that is at least productive.. especially considering that i have no friends on this base yet.
anyways here are some of my personal favorites AND some fantastic ideas.
Unsweetened Almond Breeze: This stuff is amazing!! It is only 40 calories a cup.
Sometimes I put it in cereal, or smoothies
OHANA'S unique bite size won ton: 6 for 80 calories; That means that 9 of them (a perfect lunch) are 120 calories! wonderful!
Trader Joe's Chocolate Wedges: These one-serving sized chocolate wedges are a gift to those of us who love chocolate, but strive to eat it in moderation. Each wedge is 35 calories.
Fiberful Fruit Bar: 60 calories for this delicious fruit leather type bar. not quite fruit by the foot but still tasty.
Wasabi Peas: 1/3 cup for 80 calories. They are very difficult to overeat because of their extremely strong wasabi flavor. Not only can you only eat one or two at a time, but they are also *not* the kind of snack where you will accidentally eat the whole bag.
Miso Soup: i found some fantastic packets of instant miso soup! and i love miso soup. like.. ALOT! there are 35 calories per package which i ALSO adore.
La Tortilla Factory high fiber tortillas: You can buy them in one of two sizes, either a 50 calorie version or an 80 calorie version. i like to put Hormel Turkey Pepperoni on it with a baybel laughing cow mini cheese (light of course which is 50 calories) all cut up for a low cal mini pizza splurge when i want to treat myself.
Hormel Turkey Pepperoni: 17 slices is 70 calories.. and i actually cant think of a time ill ever eat 17 slices at one time... maybe 4?!! lol anyway, definitely good if you want to make my mentioned before pizza.
Edamame: ohhhh i love me some edamame! If you eat 10 pods, you are eating approximately 29 calories. and quite good. i flavor mine with pepper instead of salting them like one would get at a restaurant.
well... im running out of steam for writing right now.. but!!! ill write more later.
im trying to get over this flu i got..
goofy navy gave me the flu shot and whaddyaknow?? i got the flu.
i feel so ucky and grody and sick.
but i will be healthy again soon and i get to go on leave soon.
while on leave i plan to start taking my appetite suppressants i wrote about earlier.
im going to try to stay motivated to record how they work for me.
sometimes i lose the motivation to write on this blog often... and i wish i were better at it.. and the way i see it the only way to get better is to do it damnit...
oh also... i have a small shopping list of things im going to be getting:
- scale(im so tired of not knowing...)
- Velcro ankle weights/ body weights
- Britta Filter
- Running shoes
- Ice cube tray
Sunday, September 18, 2011
i keep sitting down and getting ready to post
and it seems like i never know what to say.
ive been in norfolk nearly a month now. i feel so not at home.
jesse is not coming to norfolk. we found out bupers has changed his orders to California.
we are more than alittle upset.
he asked me to consider maybe marrying him.
im alittle nervous.
i really love him. i always have.
im going on leave soon i am so ready for it!
i want a break. this life takes alot out of a person.
i have decided to try an appetite suppressant.
adapexin-p.
i hope it works like it promises to deliver.
mom is receiving my order in the mail of my adapexin and will be doing it with me.
im pretty excited.
i need to weigh myself. i havnt in so long.
i need to go get a few things.
1. laxatives
2. a scale
3. britta filter
4. running shoes
5. weights that wrap around the leg, arms and abs. (for automatic exercise)
6. multivitamins and "hair skin and nails"
thats kindof all ive got for a list. next paycheck i plan on getting all of that.
lol i notice food isnt on my list. ill probably buy 2 weeks worth of soup or something.
ill try and write more often, im having a hard time keeping up with everything.
ive been in norfolk nearly a month now. i feel so not at home.
jesse is not coming to norfolk. we found out bupers has changed his orders to California.
we are more than alittle upset.
he asked me to consider maybe marrying him.
im alittle nervous.
i really love him. i always have.
im going on leave soon i am so ready for it!
i want a break. this life takes alot out of a person.
i have decided to try an appetite suppressant.
adapexin-p.
i hope it works like it promises to deliver.
mom is receiving my order in the mail of my adapexin and will be doing it with me.
im pretty excited.
i need to weigh myself. i havnt in so long.
i need to go get a few things.
1. laxatives
2. a scale
3. britta filter
4. running shoes
5. weights that wrap around the leg, arms and abs. (for automatic exercise)
6. multivitamins and "hair skin and nails"
thats kindof all ive got for a list. next paycheck i plan on getting all of that.
lol i notice food isnt on my list. ill probably buy 2 weeks worth of soup or something.
ill try and write more often, im having a hard time keeping up with everything.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
where is my mind.
running in circles.
that's GOT to be the only way to describe whats happening.
im... fasting.
thats right...
im again... in the middle of a fast.
its been 3 days.
im going to go until friday morning.
at which time i plan on eating a pear.
im leaving for norfolk saturday. i will be spending friday night with jesse.
idk what is going to happen as far as food goes..
usually we order some pizza or chinese.
ill order a small portion of something with alot of vegetables in it... or only eat a slice of the pizza.
nothing too crazy
um. i havnt updated anything on here in a while.idk how to get into the habit of writing in here often but i feel like i really need to. and write things that i think of or the stuff i try or do...
and i dont mean just this food business... cause i DO NOT want to lose myself in the lost weight again.
so completely not on the subject of food...
in a few weeks i plan on taking leave and going home for a little while.
my family is very anxious to see me. and i REALLY need a break from this...
the navy is alot of rushing rushing rushing.... then ALOT of sitting...
i just need to do my time and get out of here...
dont get me wrong... i am learning alot about life and im getting paid well.
it ISNT tough.
... just.. not a challenge. and quite boring
that's GOT to be the only way to describe whats happening.
im... fasting.
thats right...
im again... in the middle of a fast.
its been 3 days.
im going to go until friday morning.
at which time i plan on eating a pear.
im leaving for norfolk saturday. i will be spending friday night with jesse.
idk what is going to happen as far as food goes..
usually we order some pizza or chinese.
ill order a small portion of something with alot of vegetables in it... or only eat a slice of the pizza.
nothing too crazy
um. i havnt updated anything on here in a while.idk how to get into the habit of writing in here often but i feel like i really need to. and write things that i think of or the stuff i try or do...
and i dont mean just this food business... cause i DO NOT want to lose myself in the lost weight again.
so completely not on the subject of food...
in a few weeks i plan on taking leave and going home for a little while.
my family is very anxious to see me. and i REALLY need a break from this...
the navy is alot of rushing rushing rushing.... then ALOT of sitting...
i just need to do my time and get out of here...
dont get me wrong... i am learning alot about life and im getting paid well.
it ISNT tough.
... just.. not a challenge. and quite boring
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
metamorphasis
i was laying in a hotel room with jesse and an infomercial for "metamorphasis" by tracy anderson.
now.. due to my OBSESSION with at home workout videos... its stuck in my head.
so i did some research... http://tracyandersonmethod.com/
this is the offical site where one could buy all of the workout stuff... dvds diet books 30 day plans... weights, exercise balls matts... the whole 9 yards.
well i did some more research.. and it turns out a woman that bought this stuff has a blog that shows her transformation (or metamorphasis if you will hehe)
it looks fantastic. she looks fantastic.
http://masteringthemethod.blogspot.com/
im alittle interested.
but its also true... that i have a problem.. with sticking to things.
take this blog for instance... i was doing good writing regularly.. then all of a sudden-poof... nothing.
and thats how it has been with my workouts as well except when i was in scheduled dance classes with other people.
so.. im trying to decide if it would be a waste of money...
or if i would infact keep to a schedule that included regular workouts.
sometimes i have these weeks where all i want to do is a workout.. and the next week i wont get up to workout even if julian michaels herself was trying to pull me out of bed.
this woman's blog is quite inspirational though.. and its solid proof that it can and will work.
on another note..
jesse has mentioned that he wants to continue talking to me when i leave for norfolk which will be quite soon.
he has also mentioned coming to norfolk as well. and.. starting a relationship with me.
now... i WANT it. i know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
but... are we ready to jump in with both feet and trust eachother?
is it possible?
its his birthday this weekend. he is turning 20.
i got us a hotel by the beach and will be buying him a nice dinner at a nice restaurant.
also-we will be watching harry potter. he set up a double date with his friend moeller and moeller's girlfriend who is visiting.
i thought that was very sweet of him.
now.. due to my OBSESSION with at home workout videos... its stuck in my head.
so i did some research... http://tracyandersonmethod.com/
this is the offical site where one could buy all of the workout stuff... dvds diet books 30 day plans... weights, exercise balls matts... the whole 9 yards.
well i did some more research.. and it turns out a woman that bought this stuff has a blog that shows her transformation (or metamorphasis if you will hehe)
it looks fantastic. she looks fantastic.
http://masteringthemethod.blogspot.com/
im alittle interested.
but its also true... that i have a problem.. with sticking to things.
take this blog for instance... i was doing good writing regularly.. then all of a sudden-poof... nothing.
and thats how it has been with my workouts as well except when i was in scheduled dance classes with other people.
so.. im trying to decide if it would be a waste of money...
or if i would infact keep to a schedule that included regular workouts.
sometimes i have these weeks where all i want to do is a workout.. and the next week i wont get up to workout even if julian michaels herself was trying to pull me out of bed.
this woman's blog is quite inspirational though.. and its solid proof that it can and will work.
on another note..
jesse has mentioned that he wants to continue talking to me when i leave for norfolk which will be quite soon.
he has also mentioned coming to norfolk as well. and.. starting a relationship with me.
now... i WANT it. i know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
but... are we ready to jump in with both feet and trust eachother?
is it possible?
its his birthday this weekend. he is turning 20.
i got us a hotel by the beach and will be buying him a nice dinner at a nice restaurant.
also-we will be watching harry potter. he set up a double date with his friend moeller and moeller's girlfriend who is visiting.
i thought that was very sweet of him.
another sweet thing he did..
yesterday i has feeling quite down.
we ate at subway alittle after our 1700 duty muster
i had 3 inches of my sandwich and felt terribly quilty.
he saw that and took the opportunity to sit me down on the couch of my dreams in the nex.
he then took me around the nex and asked what i thought would look good in a livingroom with that... and in the kitchen.
it was nice to play house shop and SO sweet of him.
last night i had watch from 2030 till 2330... i was so tired.
i had watch with my bootcamp friend tapper though. so we talked alittle.
she is about to graduate IT A school.
i am very proud of her.
also.. last night at watch i saw a string of youtube videos/a youtube channel that i thought was really funny.
its funny for a few different reasons.. firstly... its terrible. im a terrible person... but shes huge.. its thinspirational.. and i always thought fat people looked funny. so.. i am sorry i said this.. but it is true.
however comma.... before i seem like a soul less skinny bitch... she is EXTREAMLY witty. i thought it was HILARIOUS what she was saying.
Monday, July 11, 2011
alot has happened. it seems like alot always happens between each of my posts.. wow, ok so let me back up and try and fill in all the blanks ive been leaving.
i passed the 702. im A+ certified.
jesse and i have not only been talking but been nearly inseperable.
i thought leaving would make things get better.
and..for the most part they did.
but i couldnt get my mind off my past
off him.
and now that we're around eachother again
its like i never left...
its like he never hurt me
and everything that has happened
only shows up in my nightmares.
i failed out of CCNA
im going to the fleet undesignated.
and its my own fault.
i have orders to a ship in Norfolk Virginia.
an aircraft carrier- CVN 71 the USS Theodore Roosevelt.
(http://www.roosevelt.navy.mil/)
which btw is in overhaul until february of 2013.
ive been in holding waiting to leave.. my holding job has been cleaning the liberty center or MWR. ive been doing a fantastic job and actually my team and i have all gotten letters of appreciation from the liberty program manager.
jesse is considering his options. he doesnt like the idea of virginia and he also doesnt like the idea of us being commited to eachother from across the country... which totally makes sense considering that past i was talking about.
but we let ourselves feel for eachother again.
however we are both afraid of calling it feelings.
idk
i know we could be good for eachother eventually. do i think its right now? not particularly...
we had that conversation yesterday... the conversation about that i will be on the other side of the continental US ... and that he thinks itll be best if we see other people.. but he doesnt want anything to change before i leave.. he wants me to continue hanging out with him as if im not going to be alone in the very near future.
and then... theres my weight.
its not budging. itll take a serious fast for my weight to go down...
ive tried a few products to help with cellulite and whatnot.
bought a body wrap kit and lotions from this site http://www.goo4swap.com/5-15.htm .
im using the 3rd wrap around my stomach after work today.
and i havnt seen any difference
after i do these wraps though i do feel a burst of energy... last friday i went to the gym for 2 hours after i did my wrap routine. so i can tell something is happening with my body and its getting something from these products.
i started a notebook diary with qoutes and stuff to keep me occupied and motivated... i try to write in it often. especially when i feel like a binge is going to occur.
so yeah.. thats been my life as of recently.
i passed the 702. im A+ certified.
jesse and i have not only been talking but been nearly inseperable.
i thought leaving would make things get better.
and..for the most part they did.
but i couldnt get my mind off my past
off him.
and now that we're around eachother again
its like i never left...
its like he never hurt me
and everything that has happened
only shows up in my nightmares.
i failed out of CCNA
im going to the fleet undesignated.
and its my own fault.
i have orders to a ship in Norfolk Virginia.
an aircraft carrier- CVN 71 the USS Theodore Roosevelt.
(http://www.roosevelt.navy.mil/)
which btw is in overhaul until february of 2013.
ive been in holding waiting to leave.. my holding job has been cleaning the liberty center or MWR. ive been doing a fantastic job and actually my team and i have all gotten letters of appreciation from the liberty program manager.
jesse is considering his options. he doesnt like the idea of virginia and he also doesnt like the idea of us being commited to eachother from across the country... which totally makes sense considering that past i was talking about.
but we let ourselves feel for eachother again.
however we are both afraid of calling it feelings.
idk
i know we could be good for eachother eventually. do i think its right now? not particularly...
we had that conversation yesterday... the conversation about that i will be on the other side of the continental US ... and that he thinks itll be best if we see other people.. but he doesnt want anything to change before i leave.. he wants me to continue hanging out with him as if im not going to be alone in the very near future.
and then... theres my weight.
its not budging. itll take a serious fast for my weight to go down...
ive tried a few products to help with cellulite and whatnot.
bought a body wrap kit and lotions from this site http://www.goo4swap.com/5-15.htm .
im using the 3rd wrap around my stomach after work today.
and i havnt seen any difference
after i do these wraps though i do feel a burst of energy... last friday i went to the gym for 2 hours after i did my wrap routine. so i can tell something is happening with my body and its getting something from these products.
i started a notebook diary with qoutes and stuff to keep me occupied and motivated... i try to write in it often. especially when i feel like a binge is going to occur.
so yeah.. thats been my life as of recently.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
its been awhile.
ok so... i passed my 701. but not the 702. i have 2 weeks of a remedial class then i can take it again
im nervous. and upset about this... because i KNOW this stuff. ive been studying it like crazy..
last weekend kolton decided he didnt want to talk to me anymore.
so i called my friend setterland to vent. he and i walked and i vented for a few hours. (ive been so insanely stressed.) by the end of the night i could tell he really liked me. which isnt what i wanted..
he has been trying to get me to date him all week. which also isnt what i wanted.
i had to be mean about it. which i felt terrible for.
um... jesse is here. ive seen him. and even talked to him. only to say congrats.but still
also...my sister crashed my car. she is ok. which i am so very thankful for. however im pissed i dont have a car. and this is the car that caused so much stress between me and jesse when i was preparing to leave... now its gone and i bought it for no reason.
my life is going to shit.
im nervous. and upset about this... because i KNOW this stuff. ive been studying it like crazy..
last weekend kolton decided he didnt want to talk to me anymore.
so i called my friend setterland to vent. he and i walked and i vented for a few hours. (ive been so insanely stressed.) by the end of the night i could tell he really liked me. which isnt what i wanted..
he has been trying to get me to date him all week. which also isnt what i wanted.
i had to be mean about it. which i felt terrible for.
um... jesse is here. ive seen him. and even talked to him. only to say congrats.but still
also...my sister crashed my car. she is ok. which i am so very thankful for. however im pissed i dont have a car. and this is the car that caused so much stress between me and jesse when i was preparing to leave... now its gone and i bought it for no reason.
my life is going to shit.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day.
I've got a red hot chili peppers addiction right now.
so, Friday night i went out and got drunk. i had a half bottle of jack daniels.
kolton and i got a room together and had a great time.
i feel like i shouldnt have. but it happened and i dont regret it.
i remember it being good.
laughlin and i finally took apart that computer her father gave us to look at and help us learn... it was really fun realizing how much of this stuff we do know.
we also looked up "professor messer" who we heard was really helpful. and his videos are honestly VERY helpful when studying for the compTIA A+ cert stuff..
today laughlin had sushi for the first time. i was so happy i could convince her to. she didnt like the eel but she liked the shrimp and the california rolls.
hana is laughlin's room mate, and i love being able to get to know her she is very nice and a good friend now. she is about a month ahead of us in A school and its nice that she gets this stuff... she says she didnt know as much as laughlin and i know when she was in our shoes and she passed so heres hoping...
i have been trying to get ahold of my father. hes never really been a huge part of my life but for a month now ive srsly been trying... leaving him messages, calling around trying to find a number i can get ahold of him with.. and he has definitely ignored me. it upsets me.
i cant imagine not wanting to be a part of my child's life... why does he not want me? i dont want anything, i dont want money, i dont want anything more than to know the man. and he is doing all he can to never see me again.
last night he answered, realized it was me, and hung up. yup...
i love him. i wish he'd love me.
upset at this i texted kolton, he brought his laptop over and let me listen to it while i fell asleep. he has a really good playlist on there that i might have to put on my empty iPod. as soon as i have a chord...
that might be why i have this RHCP addiction.
all in all i had a descent weekend.
oh, and i dont think im ever going to talk to cicchirillo again. last night he randomly started up this conversation:
him: well...im done...peace
me:oh, ok then..
him: oh and to clear up any confusion if it sounds rude it probably is... in this case most def
so, Friday night i went out and got drunk. i had a half bottle of jack daniels.
kolton and i got a room together and had a great time.
i feel like i shouldnt have. but it happened and i dont regret it.
i remember it being good.
laughlin and i finally took apart that computer her father gave us to look at and help us learn... it was really fun realizing how much of this stuff we do know.
we also looked up "professor messer" who we heard was really helpful. and his videos are honestly VERY helpful when studying for the compTIA A+ cert stuff..
today laughlin had sushi for the first time. i was so happy i could convince her to. she didnt like the eel but she liked the shrimp and the california rolls.
hana is laughlin's room mate, and i love being able to get to know her she is very nice and a good friend now. she is about a month ahead of us in A school and its nice that she gets this stuff... she says she didnt know as much as laughlin and i know when she was in our shoes and she passed so heres hoping...
i have been trying to get ahold of my father. hes never really been a huge part of my life but for a month now ive srsly been trying... leaving him messages, calling around trying to find a number i can get ahold of him with.. and he has definitely ignored me. it upsets me.
i cant imagine not wanting to be a part of my child's life... why does he not want me? i dont want anything, i dont want money, i dont want anything more than to know the man. and he is doing all he can to never see me again.
last night he answered, realized it was me, and hung up. yup...
i love him. i wish he'd love me.
upset at this i texted kolton, he brought his laptop over and let me listen to it while i fell asleep. he has a really good playlist on there that i might have to put on my empty iPod. as soon as i have a chord...
that might be why i have this RHCP addiction.
all in all i had a descent weekend.
oh, and i dont think im ever going to talk to cicchirillo again. last night he randomly started up this conversation:
him: well...im done...peace
me:oh, ok then..
him: oh and to clear up any confusion if it sounds rude it probably is... in this case most def
me:whats wrong? you doing ok?
him:other than the bullshit that spews from your lips most of the time we talk... nothing im fine
me:what are you talking about? i honestly dont know where this is coming from
him:haha ok well...think about it maybe at some point you might figure it out who knows...
me: im so completely confused. what did i do wrong
him:i hate texting... peace i guess.
me: is this because im not going to date you? i mean wtf?? we were having a completely fine and normal conversation what happened?
him:no, its not cause of that... and again... i hate texting. so bye
me:no, you flipped shit on me you need to tell me whats going on
him:if you want to talk come find me
me:where are you?
him:walking
me:where?srsly. im concerned.
him:fuck off
me:ok, im not going to come find you if youre going to tell me to fuck off. especially if you wont tell me what makes you think im a bullshitter. i havnt lied to you. so im really upset you are telling me bullshit is coming from my lips. i want to talk but im not going to go looking for you if im going to be attacked like this i dont need it.
him: perfect... now thats what i should have done the first time...best way for me to...well..be myself again. i feel great now. oh, sorry if i hurt your feelings... made you mad...whatever...no wonder why people dont like me...now you know how twisted i am cause this made me... well... happy again
me: wtf?
him:sorry, now you know why people dont hang out with me. this is how i have fun.
me: im so confused...what is going on? i feel like i was just blindfolded, drugged, and dumped in mexico
him:let me put it to you this way...right now i feel the best i have in awhile...like amazing...how did i do it? by bringing people around me down to my level . pissed, confused, angry ...sad... i know. its very sadistic but it makes me feel so good... sorry i know how you feel. it sucks so you can ignore me now.
me: no, im worried about you. something had to have happened.
him:no this is how ive always been im just messed up. this is the first time ive been like this to YOU. the world is cruel. i just like to let people understand how cruel and fucked up it can be...only verbally so dont think im going to fucking kill someone-ive learned the worst pain is emotional.
he insisted it wasnt brought up by something.. but i just dont get it.
and i know im a bit of a chronic liar... but i honestly have told any lies at all recently.
i am trying hard not to be who i was.
and when he called me a liar it made me more upset than i think he realizes.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
looking forward to the weekend.
its thursday and its been a really long week.
i took and failed my midterm, retook it and got a 90 that only counts as a 70 because of the failed first attempt.
that really bummed me out.
and i am so homesick. i am getting really tired of this place. real fast.
i found quebec street on google earth. i want to go back to when he and i were making that street our bitch. we had fun.
im hurting because i know ill be seeing him soon. im hurting because i know this school that im struggling with will be a cake walk for him. i am hurting because i wanted us to be happy so much i tried so hard right at the end. and he convinced me if i tried it would happen. to not be let down by the things going on and to keep trying for us.
he lied to me. and he left me. and i am still hurting.
sometimes it is so easy to accept. we arent going to be together, so what? i can totally move on with my life, learn some things about myself, and experience life without someone to answer to.
im not codependent. i am a very resilient and independent person.. but i would be lying if i said i wasnt hurting or that i didnt miss him.
hmm. i had a talk with ciccirillo last night.
i learned alot about why he is the way he is.. hes a bit of an asshole, guard up usually and not really the nicest... but he is funny. and he is a good person.
he has gone trough some shit. the poor guy. we talked until like 3 this morning. he just sortof vented about how his dad has never been proud and how his girlfriend left him and hooked up with his brother, and about alot of things.
i hope his personality traits created from this stuff start to change alittle now that hes let out so much hes kept built up.
it makes me wonder how we both have that communication problem... im a bit unwilling to talk with people about problems involving them. i guess to me its like being confrontational. and i hate that. i need to be able to assert myself.... but how do i have this communication problem is it my past? is it something that would have happened regardless of the life ive had? is it a biological thing or a mental thing? or both? is it run by my emotions or is it something i never had a chance at fighting?
*sigh* at least this blog is helping me identify my problems and perhaps figure out what to do differently.
i took and failed my midterm, retook it and got a 90 that only counts as a 70 because of the failed first attempt.
that really bummed me out.
and i am so homesick. i am getting really tired of this place. real fast.
i found quebec street on google earth. i want to go back to when he and i were making that street our bitch. we had fun.
im hurting because i know ill be seeing him soon. im hurting because i know this school that im struggling with will be a cake walk for him. i am hurting because i wanted us to be happy so much i tried so hard right at the end. and he convinced me if i tried it would happen. to not be let down by the things going on and to keep trying for us.
he lied to me. and he left me. and i am still hurting.
sometimes it is so easy to accept. we arent going to be together, so what? i can totally move on with my life, learn some things about myself, and experience life without someone to answer to.
im not codependent. i am a very resilient and independent person.. but i would be lying if i said i wasnt hurting or that i didnt miss him.
hmm. i had a talk with ciccirillo last night.
i learned alot about why he is the way he is.. hes a bit of an asshole, guard up usually and not really the nicest... but he is funny. and he is a good person.
he has gone trough some shit. the poor guy. we talked until like 3 this morning. he just sortof vented about how his dad has never been proud and how his girlfriend left him and hooked up with his brother, and about alot of things.
i hope his personality traits created from this stuff start to change alittle now that hes let out so much hes kept built up.
it makes me wonder how we both have that communication problem... im a bit unwilling to talk with people about problems involving them. i guess to me its like being confrontational. and i hate that. i need to be able to assert myself.... but how do i have this communication problem is it my past? is it something that would have happened regardless of the life ive had? is it a biological thing or a mental thing? or both? is it run by my emotions or is it something i never had a chance at fighting?
*sigh* at least this blog is helping me identify my problems and perhaps figure out what to do differently.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
unlovable?
theres this book i used to read as a kid.
alfred was a pug. an ugly roly poly fat pug.
and he felt unlovable.
all the other animals made fun of his "fat mug" and all his wrinkles.
i feel like alfred.
why? i am not totally sure. but i know i dont like this. nope. i dont like this at all.
my corset hasnt come in yet im itching to wear it.
i can feel myself growing. these NWUs are roomy. and i can feel myself growing into them more and more daily. i hate it. i want to have something on that keeps me the same size so i dont keep expanding and growing like some sort of a germ...
i wrote jesse again.
i told him i wasnt sure we could be friends.
im conflicted... what would a strong person do?
at first i thought being able to have civilized conversation with him made me strong.
and then i thought not talking to him made me strong by me sticking up for myself and not bowing to his will.
which side of this shows cowardice? which side of this is true strength??
im at such a loss.
im trudging along in school. its difficult. its not a joke. this is tough shit for me. but once i get through this school ill have certifications that people pay bokoo money for. and civilians with these certifications make 6 figures without trying too hard. that sounds nice.
i just gotta stick to it and get these certs.
alfred was a pug. an ugly roly poly fat pug.
and he felt unlovable.
all the other animals made fun of his "fat mug" and all his wrinkles.
i feel like alfred.
why? i am not totally sure. but i know i dont like this. nope. i dont like this at all.
my corset hasnt come in yet im itching to wear it.
i can feel myself growing. these NWUs are roomy. and i can feel myself growing into them more and more daily. i hate it. i want to have something on that keeps me the same size so i dont keep expanding and growing like some sort of a germ...
i wrote jesse again.
i told him i wasnt sure we could be friends.
im conflicted... what would a strong person do?
at first i thought being able to have civilized conversation with him made me strong.
and then i thought not talking to him made me strong by me sticking up for myself and not bowing to his will.
which side of this shows cowardice? which side of this is true strength??
im at such a loss.
im trudging along in school. its difficult. its not a joke. this is tough shit for me. but once i get through this school ill have certifications that people pay bokoo money for. and civilians with these certifications make 6 figures without trying too hard. that sounds nice.
i just gotta stick to it and get these certs.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
you know its fucked up when she wouldnt do it. wow.
hm. well after i wrote my last blog a letter from jesse came in. he seems to be doing ok.
i dont think im as strong as i want to believe. i dont think i can write him again. reading what he had to say was much more painful than id counted on. kolton says to send him a punch in the face.
speaking of kolton-i get this feeling that im just a girl he plans on fucking for a few weeks and then leaving. so um... i think im going to back off a bit. its sortof a red flag when the only time he will get ahold of me to hang out with him in his room in the middle of the night once a week. yeah.. its too bad too i sortof liked him.
ive successfully completed my first week of IT "A" school. it was difficult.
im sorry. i dont have much to write.
i dont think im as strong as i want to believe. i dont think i can write him again. reading what he had to say was much more painful than id counted on. kolton says to send him a punch in the face.
speaking of kolton-i get this feeling that im just a girl he plans on fucking for a few weeks and then leaving. so um... i think im going to back off a bit. its sortof a red flag when the only time he will get ahold of me to hang out with him in his room in the middle of the night once a week. yeah.. its too bad too i sortof liked him.
ive successfully completed my first week of IT "A" school. it was difficult.
im sorry. i dont have much to write.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
so i wrote this planning to post it on sunday.. and here it is thursday haha
so, i made it to muster. IDK how. but i did...
i went back to kolton's last night we watched se7en for the first time, it was really fun. he returned my back massage. I LOVE physical touch. SO MUCH! that massage was nice. after the movie i fell asleep in his arms. also very nice feeling. he played with my hair. i havnt felt such sincere gentle touch in so long; jesse and i have been a fucked up relationship for so long i forgot what it was like to be liked by someone you havnt hurt.
idk if i want this. a relationship i mean. i think he and i should talk about it alittle. we like eachother its obvious. but do we want to deal with the promise of such a difficult relationship, with both of us in the navy for 4 years.
and possibly longer im still not sure what i want career wise...
would it be better if we agreed to be friends with benefits?probably. is there real caring in that or is it just sex at that point? idk. do i even want a fuck buddy with the jesse complication thrown in... probably not. is it far too soon to be thinking about fucking this guy? absolutely.
i guess we will talk
on another note, no letters from jesse yet. and school has started. i probably cant go into serious detail with that cause of security stuff... but its very difficult. we have already completed 3 chapters. its very fast paced and intense. and the funny thing is-this is exactly what jesse used to do for fun.. he should have taught me this stuff back when we used to hang out... oh well. that though crosses my mind all the time.
bruns finally got ahold of me, she was my rack mate in boot camp. we are probably going to hang out this weekend... i REALLY want to see her...
also, next weekend is the first weekend i have phase 2 liberty!!! woot woot off base!
i went back to kolton's last night we watched se7en for the first time, it was really fun. he returned my back massage. I LOVE physical touch. SO MUCH! that massage was nice. after the movie i fell asleep in his arms. also very nice feeling. he played with my hair. i havnt felt such sincere gentle touch in so long; jesse and i have been a fucked up relationship for so long i forgot what it was like to be liked by someone you havnt hurt.
idk if i want this. a relationship i mean. i think he and i should talk about it alittle. we like eachother its obvious. but do we want to deal with the promise of such a difficult relationship, with both of us in the navy for 4 years.
and possibly longer im still not sure what i want career wise...
would it be better if we agreed to be friends with benefits?probably. is there real caring in that or is it just sex at that point? idk. do i even want a fuck buddy with the jesse complication thrown in... probably not. is it far too soon to be thinking about fucking this guy? absolutely.
i guess we will talk
on another note, no letters from jesse yet. and school has started. i probably cant go into serious detail with that cause of security stuff... but its very difficult. we have already completed 3 chapters. its very fast paced and intense. and the funny thing is-this is exactly what jesse used to do for fun.. he should have taught me this stuff back when we used to hang out... oh well. that though crosses my mind all the time.
bruns finally got ahold of me, she was my rack mate in boot camp. we are probably going to hang out this weekend... i REALLY want to see her...
also, next weekend is the first weekend i have phase 2 liberty!!! woot woot off base!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
first good afternoon in a long time
im usually just smiling. smiling as a shell. what they say is funny, but im not happy and luckily they cant tell.
i dont want to talk about it. not in great detail. not until i have to. no, i never will
but today im genuinely happy. im smiling and its true. im not lying on the outside, not protecting any feelings deep down
it feels fucking great. to have a good day, i cant wait to have more. and you arent a part of today. i didnt think about you almost at all. not this afternoon. not until just now. its fucking amazing how good a time i can have without you clouding my mind.
i went and sucked royally at pool with gordon. it was really fun though we laughed at how sucky we were. i think we played 4 or 5 games. i dont remember who won. i know i won at least twice.. but that was becasue he accidentally shot the 8 ball in.
after a few games he wanted to watch basketball so he said douces and i hung out with kolton. kolton is really nice, and very cute. we are attracted to eachother its true. im not sure what will become of this. but i like hanging out with him. we even held hands alittle today. it was nice to feel someone else there. touching me. not sexually. no i dont plan on having sex anytime soon, but just physically touching me. i felt like i was whithering away during boot camp without that. im used to like.. 30 hugs a day. haha... maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but still... quite a bit more than ive been getting.
we ate some fries(i havnt taken a laxative yet) and he had a burger, i had some iced tea. we watched due date, went out for a smoke(he smokes i dont, but the smell makes me think of my grandma. i miss her), talked for awhile, watched harry potter and the deathly hollows(thats when we started holding hands, it felt amazing), went out for a smoke(he smokes alot, i dont mind smoke... but thats alot), talked a bit, went back in to watch ace ventura: when nature calls(the light burnt out about 20 minutes into the movie we had to leave), went outside and walked for awhile, ordered some pizza and talked a bunch, went to his room and i snuck in, we sat on the floor with pizza and watched super troopers which was hilarious. i gave him a back massage which he absolutely loved apparently. and we had to go to muster... but he wantes to hang out. again. tonight. so im heading over there in a bit.
i havnt fallen for him. but its nice that someone likes me.
and did i mention its been sprinkling all day. i love the rain.
today was a good day. movies and talking. and more of both. i liked it.
excuse me while i go take a laxative im getting nervous ill gain weight.
i dont want to talk about it. not in great detail. not until i have to. no, i never will
but today im genuinely happy. im smiling and its true. im not lying on the outside, not protecting any feelings deep down
it feels fucking great. to have a good day, i cant wait to have more. and you arent a part of today. i didnt think about you almost at all. not this afternoon. not until just now. its fucking amazing how good a time i can have without you clouding my mind.
i went and sucked royally at pool with gordon. it was really fun though we laughed at how sucky we were. i think we played 4 or 5 games. i dont remember who won. i know i won at least twice.. but that was becasue he accidentally shot the 8 ball in.
after a few games he wanted to watch basketball so he said douces and i hung out with kolton. kolton is really nice, and very cute. we are attracted to eachother its true. im not sure what will become of this. but i like hanging out with him. we even held hands alittle today. it was nice to feel someone else there. touching me. not sexually. no i dont plan on having sex anytime soon, but just physically touching me. i felt like i was whithering away during boot camp without that. im used to like.. 30 hugs a day. haha... maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but still... quite a bit more than ive been getting.
we ate some fries(i havnt taken a laxative yet) and he had a burger, i had some iced tea. we watched due date, went out for a smoke(he smokes i dont, but the smell makes me think of my grandma. i miss her), talked for awhile, watched harry potter and the deathly hollows(thats when we started holding hands, it felt amazing), went out for a smoke(he smokes alot, i dont mind smoke... but thats alot), talked a bit, went back in to watch ace ventura: when nature calls(the light burnt out about 20 minutes into the movie we had to leave), went outside and walked for awhile, ordered some pizza and talked a bunch, went to his room and i snuck in, we sat on the floor with pizza and watched super troopers which was hilarious. i gave him a back massage which he absolutely loved apparently. and we had to go to muster... but he wantes to hang out. again. tonight. so im heading over there in a bit.
i havnt fallen for him. but its nice that someone likes me.
and did i mention its been sprinkling all day. i love the rain.
today was a good day. movies and talking. and more of both. i liked it.
excuse me while i go take a laxative im getting nervous ill gain weight.
last few days
so apparently before comeau left for basic he cheated on his wife. he told me this with a tone saying he was worried id judge and was met with a sympathetic "i know how that goes" from me. we talked. i added his wife to my facebook to ease her worries about me being his friend. i hope they work that out. i hope they do what i couldnt. because comeau needs that woman. i can see it when he talks about her. he needs her there and is head over heels in love with her.
cicchirillo is... immature. like.. bad. he likes the same things as me but i feel like he isnt on board for being an adult and his sense of humor is.. well he is a dick. haha. idk he is my friend but i wish he would grow up a bit its starting to really bother me
yesterday i played pool with comeau, eccles and uresta. it was great. they make me smile. i had a yoohoo and it was delicious.
i started taking my laxatives. i guess buying them set me up for failure. they taste just as bad as i remember. ive only take 1 though... which is much less than i remember taking.. *sigh* im a fuck up.
im listening to all this music i havnt heard in so long... its so crazy. and ive been loving techno alot... eccles says when we leave base during phase 2 we are going to have a rave. im very excited.
i havnt been working very hard, only a few hours a day. i got my messenger of the watch quals started and need to do my second signature of that and both signatures of roving and duty driver. im kindof slacking. but i can do those on a day im already wearing NSU's .
ill write more later today probably about my last few days... im going to go play pool with gordon now. yup!
cicchirillo is... immature. like.. bad. he likes the same things as me but i feel like he isnt on board for being an adult and his sense of humor is.. well he is a dick. haha. idk he is my friend but i wish he would grow up a bit its starting to really bother me
yesterday i played pool with comeau, eccles and uresta. it was great. they make me smile. i had a yoohoo and it was delicious.
i started taking my laxatives. i guess buying them set me up for failure. they taste just as bad as i remember. ive only take 1 though... which is much less than i remember taking.. *sigh* im a fuck up.
im listening to all this music i havnt heard in so long... its so crazy. and ive been loving techno alot... eccles says when we leave base during phase 2 we are going to have a rave. im very excited.
i havnt been working very hard, only a few hours a day. i got my messenger of the watch quals started and need to do my second signature of that and both signatures of roving and duty driver. im kindof slacking. but i can do those on a day im already wearing NSU's .
ill write more later today probably about my last few days... im going to go play pool with gordon now. yup!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
justification and other terrible poems releasing my frustration in the early afternoon
i need some sort of justification
in order to give into this sweet temptation
laid before me like a budding carnation
again presenting itself as a false salvation
there is nothing left in this situation
that makes it worth my adaptation
so i say again farewell, goodbye
im doing my best to leave with no hesitation.
F)rom me to you i relay this message
U)nless its not clear by the time im done
C)ount on me, and youll be sorry
K)aleidoscopical messages are no longer fun.
O)ur lives are no longer intertwined
F)rom top to bottom, left side down
F)inal messages ring finally true.
i was living in a dream that quickly turned sour.
i should have killed myself within the hour
when i knew youd be leaving me for her again
every night you left me for her, again
and i stupidly forgave you
you, handing me roses and kisses
and cooing me into forgetting i was mad
i should have forgotten your name in the bottle
i should have drank away all thoughts of you
and had fun like you were
you were having fun and i was home alone
mourning the loss of a living love.
i should have made you come home
to a pool of my fresh blood.
dont look at me like that! im just as disappointed in myself as you are...
its not healthy. im not happy
not with him crowding my mind.
im going backwards. i was well on my way out of this cluster fuck he created in my head.. he pulled me back. again.
like a plague on my life he has a hold of me.
i wish we could be happy together. like we were.
its not going to happen now.
im just going to hurt until i break this tie.
like that umbilical chord snapped when our baby died.
the manifestation of our love didnt survive.. and that wasnt a clue?
get the hell out of my head!
anyways... i badge up today. woot woot.
ill see if anything fun happens later that i can write about so it feels like i have a life.
not with him crowding my mind.
im going backwards. i was well on my way out of this cluster fuck he created in my head.. he pulled me back. again.
like a plague on my life he has a hold of me.
i wish we could be happy together. like we were.
its not going to happen now.
im just going to hurt until i break this tie.
like that umbilical chord snapped when our baby died.
the manifestation of our love didnt survive.. and that wasnt a clue?
get the hell out of my head!
anyways... i badge up today. woot woot.
ill see if anything fun happens later that i can write about so it feels like i have a life.
Monday, February 28, 2011
28FEB11
well, its about 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up at 5 this morning and took a shower and got dressed and got out.
at NMT we had a brief that was meant for a different class that we had already heard.
and then we cleaned.. my job for today was the door knobs throughout the building. freakin easy. yes that was it.
after we cleaned we bullshitted for awhile. my best friends here i think are cemeau, eccles, and cichirillo. all males. and now i guess as of about an hour ago cichirillo doesnt want to be my friend.
says he enjoys time with me too much and that he likes me. but he knows i dont like him and finds that awkward.
i'm a little upset he was really funny.
i bought laxatives yesterday. they sit, behind my combination cover, on the day stow shelf in my closet, un opened.
waiting.
because i know they are there for just in case.
just in case i get upset. upset enough to say fuck my hard work. upset enough to eat. and eat.
and think about all the reasons i'm not worth his time.
all the reasons i never was.
they are a comfort i have to hide.. but those little pink pills just being there is a comfort still.
he got a hold of me again today. my ex i mean. gave me an address i already knew.
asked me to write... so. im not sure what to do. i already sortof made my decision because i wrote him last week.
im so upset from that again.
all over again.
and i read http://jdwyatt.blogspot.com/
thats his blog.
yeah im pretty fucking depressed after reading that. and losing a friend
on the bright side i pt'd today. and it felt fucking amazing.
i want to pt daily.
after pt i went home and took a shower. and after my shower i laid in the bathtub and went to sleep i woke up 45 minutes later feeling like alice from resident evil haha
oh yeah.. and i misplaced my daily vitamins... i was doing so good i need to find them.
ok.. i feel a little better now.
i woke up at 5 this morning and took a shower and got dressed and got out.
at NMT we had a brief that was meant for a different class that we had already heard.
and then we cleaned.. my job for today was the door knobs throughout the building. freakin easy. yes that was it.
after we cleaned we bullshitted for awhile. my best friends here i think are cemeau, eccles, and cichirillo. all males. and now i guess as of about an hour ago cichirillo doesnt want to be my friend.
says he enjoys time with me too much and that he likes me. but he knows i dont like him and finds that awkward.
i'm a little upset he was really funny.
i bought laxatives yesterday. they sit, behind my combination cover, on the day stow shelf in my closet, un opened.
waiting.
because i know they are there for just in case.
just in case i get upset. upset enough to say fuck my hard work. upset enough to eat. and eat.
and think about all the reasons i'm not worth his time.
all the reasons i never was.
they are a comfort i have to hide.. but those little pink pills just being there is a comfort still.
he got a hold of me again today. my ex i mean. gave me an address i already knew.
asked me to write... so. im not sure what to do. i already sortof made my decision because i wrote him last week.
im so upset from that again.
all over again.
and i read http://jdwyatt.blogspot.com/
thats his blog.
yeah im pretty fucking depressed after reading that. and losing a friend
on the bright side i pt'd today. and it felt fucking amazing.
i want to pt daily.
after pt i went home and took a shower. and after my shower i laid in the bathtub and went to sleep i woke up 45 minutes later feeling like alice from resident evil haha
oh yeah.. and i misplaced my daily vitamins... i was doing so good i need to find them.
ok.. i feel a little better now.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?
maybe its just that i realize the pain ive caused.
but it was bound to happen
my past caught up with me in a whirlwind
and i woke up after, as if i had been nappin
i woke up to the destruction i knew i had caused
but why couldnt i have woken sooner
life will never be the same now,
is that a good thing?
scene: me, in line. with a feeling deep inside. i know if i look around ill see you, i know youre in that room becasue i know that is your division because my petty officers told me not to go crying on them, they hate tears.
im waiting for my tickets to get the hell out of there. im so excited and cant wait to get the hell out of there. and it hasnt come soon enough.. im finally getting the hell out of there.
and im fighting myself. because i know youre in there. on the other side of that glass. fuck.. i lose. i turn my head... youre already looking at me. your face is etched in my memory. the surprise in your eyes haunts me as i sleep. the way your jaw dropped a fraction is a detail i can still see. your hair is shaved off and youre in your smurfs.. 4th chair back against the wall.
i KNEW i would see you if i looked. i knew the moment i walked into the pearl harbor that day that if i looked around at all id find you. ive always been able to find you. i dont want to be able to find you. i dont want you to have that power to make me stand still anymore.. the line is moving and im standing still..
my shipmates push me forward alittle after what seemed like 10 minutes of staring at your face. your face ill never forget. and i turn away. i start tearing up and cant fucking breathe. i cant fucking think. i cant fucking talk. at least you didnt see me cry. i dont want you to have that satisfaction. to know i cried for you again. to know i cried for you for most of boot camp.. to know i tried killing myself in boot camp and sought out help from a chaplain because of it. to know i dreamt you still loved me. and dreamt you were holding me in my sleep. to know i actually woke up at night thinking someone was there cuddling with me like we used to.
i bite my finger, hard and inhale as much as i can. my shipmates already know. nothing else bothers me like you do. they look at me apologetically. "ill never hear the end of it" i think.. petty officer mccarver sees me. "aww shit... TAYLOR" he says
"yes petty officer" i try to get out (unsuccessfully, with a hack in there and crocodile tears streaming down my face)
"taylor, are you doing ok?"
"yes, petty officer"
"and why, taylor?"
i pause... i know the answer. ive had this conversation countless times. i choke it out between tears and try to smile"because he is a dick, petty officer"
"you better fucking believe it, ya asshole."
still throughout the entire travelling brief all i can think about is that dick sitting in the 4th seat next to the wall, not 30 ft from me.. i down my canteen in less than 12 minutes.. drinking it like its vodka.. i go to fill it up just to catch a glimpse of him doing his indoc papers. i dont want to, i know its unhealthy and its going to set me back.. how do you get over someone you do stupid shit to be able to see? i want to be over him so bad im hurting so much inside.
when the brief is finally over i try my damned hardest not to look at him as my division walks out to line up to leave. i lose.. again. i look over and he is staring at the speaker with so much forced attention, i feel terrible all over again. i want to crawl back into my rack. go to sleep and hopefully wake up in an alternate universe where i have never met him before. i wish we had never met. i wish i were never born. he wishes it to i remember that night. that night when he was drunk. and walking in the snow. and came to my house.
i also remember the night i got that letter.
all the hurt id been stifling while in boot camp is all flooding at me at once.. the march back home was brutal.
bruns says not a word and she takes me to the laundry room... i run into her arms crying and stomping my feet to let out the frustration... she knows i hurt. she knows i hide it. she knows me so well after only 8 weeks. i cry for a good 10 minutes shifting my weight and stomping my feet and letting it all out.
i dont feel any better.
i let myself wake up to this. what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?
but it was bound to happen
my past caught up with me in a whirlwind
and i woke up after, as if i had been nappin
i woke up to the destruction i knew i had caused
but why couldnt i have woken sooner
life will never be the same now,
is that a good thing?
scene: me, in line. with a feeling deep inside. i know if i look around ill see you, i know youre in that room becasue i know that is your division because my petty officers told me not to go crying on them, they hate tears.
im waiting for my tickets to get the hell out of there. im so excited and cant wait to get the hell out of there. and it hasnt come soon enough.. im finally getting the hell out of there.
and im fighting myself. because i know youre in there. on the other side of that glass. fuck.. i lose. i turn my head... youre already looking at me. your face is etched in my memory. the surprise in your eyes haunts me as i sleep. the way your jaw dropped a fraction is a detail i can still see. your hair is shaved off and youre in your smurfs.. 4th chair back against the wall.
i KNEW i would see you if i looked. i knew the moment i walked into the pearl harbor that day that if i looked around at all id find you. ive always been able to find you. i dont want to be able to find you. i dont want you to have that power to make me stand still anymore.. the line is moving and im standing still..
my shipmates push me forward alittle after what seemed like 10 minutes of staring at your face. your face ill never forget. and i turn away. i start tearing up and cant fucking breathe. i cant fucking think. i cant fucking talk. at least you didnt see me cry. i dont want you to have that satisfaction. to know i cried for you again. to know i cried for you for most of boot camp.. to know i tried killing myself in boot camp and sought out help from a chaplain because of it. to know i dreamt you still loved me. and dreamt you were holding me in my sleep. to know i actually woke up at night thinking someone was there cuddling with me like we used to.
i bite my finger, hard and inhale as much as i can. my shipmates already know. nothing else bothers me like you do. they look at me apologetically. "ill never hear the end of it" i think.. petty officer mccarver sees me. "aww shit... TAYLOR" he says
"yes petty officer" i try to get out (unsuccessfully, with a hack in there and crocodile tears streaming down my face)
"taylor, are you doing ok?"
"yes, petty officer"
"and why, taylor?"
i pause... i know the answer. ive had this conversation countless times. i choke it out between tears and try to smile"because he is a dick, petty officer"
"you better fucking believe it, ya asshole."
still throughout the entire travelling brief all i can think about is that dick sitting in the 4th seat next to the wall, not 30 ft from me.. i down my canteen in less than 12 minutes.. drinking it like its vodka.. i go to fill it up just to catch a glimpse of him doing his indoc papers. i dont want to, i know its unhealthy and its going to set me back.. how do you get over someone you do stupid shit to be able to see? i want to be over him so bad im hurting so much inside.
when the brief is finally over i try my damned hardest not to look at him as my division walks out to line up to leave. i lose.. again. i look over and he is staring at the speaker with so much forced attention, i feel terrible all over again. i want to crawl back into my rack. go to sleep and hopefully wake up in an alternate universe where i have never met him before. i wish we had never met. i wish i were never born. he wishes it to i remember that night. that night when he was drunk. and walking in the snow. and came to my house.
i also remember the night i got that letter.
all the hurt id been stifling while in boot camp is all flooding at me at once.. the march back home was brutal.
bruns says not a word and she takes me to the laundry room... i run into her arms crying and stomping my feet to let out the frustration... she knows i hurt. she knows i hide it. she knows me so well after only 8 weeks. i cry for a good 10 minutes shifting my weight and stomping my feet and letting it all out.
i dont feel any better.
i let myself wake up to this. what was i thinking when i wasnt thinking?
problem # 2
my eating disorder... yes i have one.
im fighting. daily. i dont want to feel guilty from having 700 calories.
i did ballet you see... and when there are girls so much smaller than you that can be lifted up and are beautiful and get the part of cinderella... well it gets competetive.. i have been 73 lbs at this height. ive also been 140 at this height..
but, im in the navy now. and hopefully ill have to fight myself alot less often. IM going to get over this and be happy with my weight. and eat regularly. and not take those fucking laxatives anymore.
yesterday i almost broke. i wanted laxatives so freakin much...
anyways. about my last few days... i finally got my phone and stuff in the mail from my mom^_^ and i sent my ex a letter he got ahold of me during his final changes to his security clearance saying he wanted to be friends and i know what its like to be in bootcamp.. so i know he needs letters right now. maybe im too weak? maybe im stronger than you think? and maybe im dumber than i want to admit. but i wrote him. i made it clear we wont be getting back together becasue neither of us would be happy for long, we cant trust eachother.. and without the trust we used to have there is no real love.. just a hope to occasionally feel the way we used to. but we are close. and i dont want him to go through boot camp alone. so i wrote some motivating stuff.
idk.. thats all for now.
maybe ill write more later
im fighting. daily. i dont want to feel guilty from having 700 calories.
i did ballet you see... and when there are girls so much smaller than you that can be lifted up and are beautiful and get the part of cinderella... well it gets competetive.. i have been 73 lbs at this height. ive also been 140 at this height..
but, im in the navy now. and hopefully ill have to fight myself alot less often. IM going to get over this and be happy with my weight. and eat regularly. and not take those fucking laxatives anymore.
yesterday i almost broke. i wanted laxatives so freakin much...
anyways. about my last few days... i finally got my phone and stuff in the mail from my mom^_^ and i sent my ex a letter he got ahold of me during his final changes to his security clearance saying he wanted to be friends and i know what its like to be in bootcamp.. so i know he needs letters right now. maybe im too weak? maybe im stronger than you think? and maybe im dumber than i want to admit. but i wrote him. i made it clear we wont be getting back together becasue neither of us would be happy for long, we cant trust eachother.. and without the trust we used to have there is no real love.. just a hope to occasionally feel the way we used to. but we are close. and i dont want him to go through boot camp alone. so i wrote some motivating stuff.
idk.. thats all for now.
maybe ill write more later
Sunday, February 20, 2011
staring over.
ok so.. im 18. im in the navy. im now single. and i have a new haircut to boot.
everything is ok right?
yes of course. because he is a dick that fucked up this time. not me.
and guys are giving me attention left and right. so i should be ok.
mhmm.
ill keep telling myself that.
hello. my name is ashley, but you can call me SR Taylor.
im a new recruit in flordia and i just graduated boot camp. i see a bright future ahead in which i will see the world and make many friends and experience so many things. and get paid for it. honestly i AM excited. i want to see where this road will take me in the next few years.
now, my blog says i have my old problems.. "care to elaborate?" you might be thinking.. gladly.
i have an eating disorder i am trying to gain control of. no ive never been to the doctors for it.. but its there none the less.
and my ex... is in boot camp now. and will be coming to this base in 2 short months.
this ex beat me, abused me, forced himself on me, broke my things, and worte me a dear john letter during my second week of basic training.
we were together 4 years. and in 2 LOUSY WEEKS!!! he tosses me aside and starts dating my friend..
"but why did he start doing these things?" you might ask
well.. i started doing stupid things alittle over a year ago. and im embarrassed to admit that i slept with a few other guys. and honestly i deserved to have him leave me. yes. i cheated. and no. it will not happen again.
ive more than learned my lesson. just saying people can change. i bear testimony to that statement. i dont know how i was that person. how i hurt a man i truely loved so very much, so many times. and yet.. that WAS me. i can see it in my head. me feeling my phne ring.. and me turning it off and having sex with someone other than the man i wanted to spend my life with.
it is shameful.
i hate myself daily for it
however- i was not the only person to mess up. and he shares blame.
idk.
so.. thats my introduction for now.
hello.
everything is ok right?
yes of course. because he is a dick that fucked up this time. not me.
and guys are giving me attention left and right. so i should be ok.
mhmm.
ill keep telling myself that.
hello. my name is ashley, but you can call me SR Taylor.
im a new recruit in flordia and i just graduated boot camp. i see a bright future ahead in which i will see the world and make many friends and experience so many things. and get paid for it. honestly i AM excited. i want to see where this road will take me in the next few years.
now, my blog says i have my old problems.. "care to elaborate?" you might be thinking.. gladly.
i have an eating disorder i am trying to gain control of. no ive never been to the doctors for it.. but its there none the less.
and my ex... is in boot camp now. and will be coming to this base in 2 short months.
this ex beat me, abused me, forced himself on me, broke my things, and worte me a dear john letter during my second week of basic training.
we were together 4 years. and in 2 LOUSY WEEKS!!! he tosses me aside and starts dating my friend..
"but why did he start doing these things?" you might ask
well.. i started doing stupid things alittle over a year ago. and im embarrassed to admit that i slept with a few other guys. and honestly i deserved to have him leave me. yes. i cheated. and no. it will not happen again.
ive more than learned my lesson. just saying people can change. i bear testimony to that statement. i dont know how i was that person. how i hurt a man i truely loved so very much, so many times. and yet.. that WAS me. i can see it in my head. me feeling my phne ring.. and me turning it off and having sex with someone other than the man i wanted to spend my life with.
it is shameful.
i hate myself daily for it
however- i was not the only person to mess up. and he shares blame.
idk.
so.. thats my introduction for now.
hello.
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